I love you.

Once in awhile I look at myself and realize how naive I am.
No matter how hardened I think my heart has become, no matter how tough and knowledgeable I think I've become... every time I step back, I realize I am still the same naive girl who thinks she doesn't trust anyone, but really does just an ounce too much. The same naive girl who believes she has become lonely and bitter, but it still just as big-hearted as ever.
I love people, I trust people. Unknowingly. Without effort.
I both pride myself in that and hate myself for it.

Motivated.

Goals for...the future?

Learn to love myself.
Healthy healthy healthy. What else is new?
Do extra well in school.

I'm motivated.
A little unsure of how to achieve the first... but we'll work with it.

I'm all for love.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Maybe it's just today, maybe it will pass.
I hope so. I'm just really unhappy with myself, my life lately.

The way I look.
My body is just... ugh.
I can't stand looking in the mirror, I hate every outfit I try on because nothing looks good on me.
My face is constantly breaking out. Not bad. But it still looks like shit.

My social life.
I hang out with my boyfriend... that's it.
I'm not complaining because I love him, I love spending time with him... but, I just wish I had girl friends. Me saying that won't change anything though, you don't just choose good friends. You find them, and so far I haven't found any.
Speaking of my boyfriend, I like him... a lot. I get really paranoid and I feel like he's getting bored of me, or that he's doing stuff without me knowing. I'm constantly thinking that he doesn't feel me as much as I feel him and that scares the shit out of me. I think I'm just fooling myself, I think I'm so used to not trusting people and not getting comfortable with a person. I'm getting comfortable with him and that scares the living shit out of me.
Last time I thought a boy was different, last time I got comfortable and truly believed I wouldn't get my heart broken... well, that didn't work out. I guess I'm just waiting for this one to be the same. But I don't want it to. I really don't.

I'm really pretty nervous about starting school. My mom got me a laptop as a graduation/birthday present. I love it, and I definitely feel like it will come in handy with schoolwork. I'm terrified that the work is going to be hard, so hard. What if I fail a test? I can't do that. But I HATE studying. I know it's going to be tough, but I don't want it to be... haha.
I'm not sure what I want to major in. Journalism is my declared major as of now, and I'm even going to try writing for my college's newspaper and see if I like it. I'm still not sure if I can do it as a career though. I'm kinda thinking of a career involving sports medicine... but I don't know, I'm sure that idea will pass as well.

Maybe it's like I'm used to being lonely. Maybe I don't know how to be happy.
I think I psyche myself out, like I'm subconsciously preventing myself from being happy.
I've got a family who cares about me, a job, a car, a bed, a roof over my head, a boy who loves me... and I'm complaining?

Basically, this blog really sucked and I hate it so much I wasn't even going to post it. But maybe one day I'll want to look back on it...

By the way, All For Love by Serena Ryder is stuck in my head right now. It's good, listen to it.

Never gonna get it right.

I really wish I had girl friends.
Scratch that, although it's what I once would have said, now I just wish I had friends.
It's nice to have girls that you're super close to, something I haven't really had for a long time. Well, I've got Bekka, but sometimes she drives me crazy and it's nice to have a different perspective... I don't know.
I guess all the guys I thought I was close to were really just trying to get with me. Lately I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to hang with... maybe no one I feel comfortable hanging out with.
I want to go swimming today but I bet I look like trash in my swimsuit, don't want to pay to get in the public pool, and don't have anyone to go with me anyway.

Oh well, I need to clean anyway.
I guess I'll just do that and maybe go shopping... or wait until dinner with my dad.
Speaking of my dad, sometimes I feel like he's the only one who cares about me. Now I know for a fact that's not true, I just know that he loves me a lot, and it sucks because we haven't been close for years and I just don't know how to achieve that closeness to him... but I want to. I just don't feel like we ever will. =/

:)

Last night, about 1am, a boy told me he loved me.
I love him too. (:

I woke up about 7am today, don't know why.
I got two new workout DVDs this week - Billy Blanks Ultimate Tae Bo and Jillian Michaels Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism.
They're both amazing.
I just really need to clean up my diet.

Don't you know who I think I am?

I jotted this down on the 8th.
It's something, I guess.
And when I say "you" I'm not talking about anyone in particular...until the end. But along with talking about someone else, I'm kind of talking about myself to? I don't know... weird.

What makes us act the way we do? Why does that change depending on who we're with and what we're doing? You can seem like a completely different person each time you're with a different friend.
Which one is the real you? Or is it all you? Maybe you just can't figure out how to put it all together, to combine every side of yourself into one. Is that even possible? Should it be? Maybe not.
Are you trying to be something you're not? Or is that the real you? What about the you I knew? The you I know? I don't know who you are. Do you?

You know, they all pretend.

You know what really pisses me off?
Not feeling good enough. Not feeling good enough because people act like you're not good enough.
I'm offended that all these loser guys think so low of me, think that I'm really going to hook up with them because they said "hey, let's fuck!", that they honestly get mad/offended/whatever when I'm like "oh wow, no thanks" or "hey, you're a douchebag!"
I think it's funny how someone will talk to me, and when they figure out that I'm over them or that I'm simply not interested to begin with, they just throw me away. Or they flip out on me and then stop talking to me. Really? It kind of blows realizing that people don't think you're good for anything but an easy fuck.
I'm not even sure why people think this of me? I don't throw myself all over guys, I don't walk around in tiny clothes lookin' like a skank, whatever whatever whatever.
Except as much as it hurts, having people practically tell you that you're not good enough to love... I hate it even more when a dude pretends to like you, and goes to all that trouble just to end up like every other asshole who tried to play you.

Funny thing is, this blog has nothing to do with now.
No guy is treating me like this right at this moment.
I should probably stop thinking about the past.
I just wanted to let all you assholes know, that whatever fucked up impression you got of me player, it was WRONG. You keep pretending I'm not good enough, because in reality, I'm too good for you.


Fuck, this blog was really gay. Bye. :]

Let's burn our dreams into the skyline.

Alright, I had a very good weekend. (:
On Saturday I graduated high school, and wow... it felt AMAZING.
I kindof feel like it hit me, but now I'm back to not even feeling like I'll never be in high school again. Haha, weird right?
Sunday was my party, and I felt like a decent amount of people showed up. I felt like it was probably kind of boring for the people who came, but I had fun, and since it's my party I'm gonna be a little selfish and say that's all that matters. ;P
Last night I spent the night with Troy. He's kindof my favorite. I can't stop thinking about him... FUCK. Like, it freaks me out a little. I don't want to fall too hard, make an ass of myself, & get my heart broken. But I don't know, things feel pretty perfect right now. :D

I've been thinking about death a lot lately...
I mean, this past weekend was a pretty big part of my life, and it just makes me think of how some people weren't there.
Like, one day a person is here, and the next they aren't.
You don't get to say goodbye, and you look back realizing that even though you spent tons of time with someone, you never in your whole life were able to let them know how much they mean to you. It really sucks.
I should go visit my grandparent's graves soon.
We used to go, but my mom doesn't anymore. I don't know, that's her business.
But I'd like to go. I just don't really want to go alone. Except... I don't want to go with anyone.
It's been awhile, but I'm pretty sure I'll be a mess. Ha. =/

I miss you.

Making this quick, so I can go get ready for my grad party.
I'll blog about that and graduation later.. I just need to get this off my chest.

So all of a sudden, like seriously out of nowhere, it JUST hit me that my grandparents weren't there to see me graduate.
I was just all of a sudden thinking about how they died, and I was like "Man, I really wish they could come to my party today."
And it all hit me, and damn, it really blows, ya know? =/
I feel like a bad person because I didn't think about this yesterday when I was graduating.
Like I even thought about Scott and felt sad, but didn't remember my own grandparents? Wow.

I don't know, this blog isn't conveying my emotion very well, so I'm stopping.

Take the white pill, you'll feel alright.

Alright, I'm pretty proud of myself right now.
I'm sick and it pretty much blows, I'm really hoping that I get better before this weekend. I don't want to be sick at graduation or my party!
But anyways, if you know me, you know that I have a MAJOR problem with swallowing pills.
I've got an awful gag reflex and my mind just psyches me out and I just. can't. do. it.
But I'm trying to get better ASAP, so I took a [chewable] vitamin, and rummaged through the medicine cabinet for some cold medicine.
I found something prescribed to my mom forever ago. I don't know what it is, but I remember taking it before when I was sick, not knowing what it was then. Ahaha, so I'm not sure if I should take it.
But I figured, hey, I used to be able to swallow Sudafed, they're tiny. Why not try?
Weird right? I used to be able to swallow pills, then I couldn't.
But I tried, and it didn't go down the first time, but I drank a couple more gulps of water and IT DID.
I swallowed it! :D
Oh gosh, I swallowed a tiny pill at age 17 and I'm excited about it. How lame is this? That was a rhetorical question, btw. ;P

talk shit talk shit talk shit.

I think it's so weird when I come upon people hearing shit about me that obviously isn't true.
It's weird to think about how many people have heard and believed this, without me even knowing about it.
It's not a big deal, I'm not mad about it, hell, I think it's funny... it's just weird to think about.

I find it hilarious that my ex and his friends have nothing better to do than sit around and talk shit about me, and to spread all this ridiculous bullshit.
Boy, stop telling people I cheated on you when you know that's a god damn lie.
I guess you forgot about how close we were.
I still have your Blockbuster card and your credit card is still saved on my MAC account.
You know how much better buying makeup makes me feel... ;]

Except honestly, I wouldn't do that. I'd feel bad, I guess.
Oh well, keep talking boy, funny how you've gotta lie to get people to feel sorry for you.
And where's your life going again?

Got a secret, can you keep it?

I've always loved PostSecret, but I usually forget to check it.
It makes me really sad that I can't go back and read the ones that I've missed. :(
There's a spin-off called LJsecret that I regularly check too.
Sometimes I save the secrets that I can relate to, here's a few I found on my computer, I suppose most of them are still pretty relevant.

Where did I go wrong?

I am not content with life.
but, I don't know what I want.

I really want to blog more.
I NEED to blog more.
At the moment, I don't have the time.

Let me finish the shit ton of homework I have and figure my life out after Friday. :|

I can't feel anything

I hit a deer tonight.
A little after nine.
I'm fine, physically.
It's dead, physically.
My car is fucked, still drives fine.
But the left front and side is pretty fucked.
I'll have to fix it, can't drive without a headlight,
wonder where I'll find the money for that.

My mom talked to my dad, but she said I had to call him.
He was drunk.
He sounded stupid, and wasn't mean, just slightly rude about everything.
Alcoholic piece of shit.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I had pretty much forgotten about all his shit, pretty much forgiven it, ya know?
Until tonight when I realized how worthless he is.
I guess I'm just mad, I'll feel awful for calling him worthless in a few days.
But really? I don't even have to words for this.
It's like a numb, empty hurt.
Realizing your father is always going to be a jerk,
and the people you think are your friends are only fucking you over.

Give me your arms for the broken-hearted.

I totally forgot today was the 3oh!3 concert until I saw someone post a bulletin about it.
Now I'm sad that missed seeing them, and especially The Maine. :( I love them.
Oh well, I hung out with Tyler and it was super fun.<33

Mainly, I just posted this to get something off my chest though.
I see a lot of my friends in these tough, dramatic relationships. They're just in high school or college but they're putting themselves through these awful relationships because they think this person is their soulmate. I mean, I understand not everything is easy, but I don't understand.
If your relationship sucks that bad, especially at such a young age, why are you still in it? Why would you still want to deal with that?
I would just try to move on. I'd rather be happy. Nothing lasts forever.

Girls Next Door.

I need to remember to catch Girls Next Door finale on Sunday at 9. I've missed a ton of episodes over the years, but I've really come to love Holly, Bridget and Kendra and I'll miss watching the show. Apparently there will be a new season with the new girls, but I'm not sure how interested I'll be.

Honestly, I think these girls are absolutely adorable. They're gorgeous, intelligent, and are all accomplishing so much. They're inspiring.
I want to make a Girls Next Door layout. xD Maybe I'll try that tonight!

Frustrated, disgusted, unmotivated...

On top of stress about college and scholarships, I haven't been eating healthy or working out, and I've been eating more. I don't know if it's out of stress or boredom or what.
But honestly, the past few days I have felt so disgusted with myself. It's not even that I look in the mirror and get disgusted... usually. I just feel fat. My stomach just FEELS huge and I just want to run a million miles, except I still have NO motivation to exercise.

Bahh, I'm so frustrated right now. =/
Like I can't even explain how much I hate myself right now.

You're so nice & you're so smart.

First of all, Audrey posted this video and everyone needs to watch it. It honestly inspired me so much and gave me hope that maybe this world isn't such a terrible place, which is lately how I've been feeling.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about the point of life. I don't understand why people spend their entire lives going to school and working. Well, I do, because you need it to make money and you need money to survive... but it all seems so pointless. I just want to know what the point in having all these people doing these silly little things on this planet is? I want to know what we're supposed to be doing.
I've always felt like I've had to make a difference. I will never be content with being one of those people who can work at McDonalds all my life and be content with that. I probably won't be content with any "normal" job, to be honest.
A lot of people tell me I'm nice, some people tell me I'm one of the sweetest/nicest people they've ever met. Honestly, I love that. It makes me feel good and I want to be that person, I want people to think of me as that way.
I guess tonight I just realized that although I do consider myself to be a very nice person, that isn't good enough. Sometimes the way I treat people, especially the people I care about, is something I'm definitely not proud of.
So as of tonight, I'm determined to change. I want to be known as that super sweet girl who will do anything for anyone, even someone she has just met.
I just don't want people to get it confused with a girl who is easily taken advantage of. I've been down that road, and I'm sure some people still think that.
I'm not sure how to balance the two quite yet.

All I ever think about is you.

I miss blogging but I feel like I never have anything to say worth reading.

I'd love to have a fashion or beauty blog but there are so many out there already. I feel like I don't have anything new or exciting to contribute to that world, so I'll stick to my boring blogs that no one reads. :P
I still owe my mom $113, plus $20 for texting this month. I still have NO money saved for prom which is in about two months. :| I'm super stressed.
Also, MAC's new Hello Kitty collection looks gorgeous. It was something I was really looking forward to, but I have no money for any of it. :( Bahhhh.

I need to go make Valentine cards. I'll feel bad if I don't at least give my mom a card, and I want to make one for Stephen too since I've got no money and he's making me dinner. Maybe it will cheer him up, I'm worried about him lately.

"Miss miserable, this drama scene is getting old."

A lot of the time, when I'm upset or I see people upset, I feel like it's normal. I feel like no one is ever going to be happy. I figure that if someone like Scott, who seemed so happy, couldn't be happy, then maybe the people who couldn't even pretend to be that happy are just destined to be miserable.

I miss him. I think they're planning a way to recognize him somehow at graduation, and I really hope they do. He deserves that.

I have no money. I forgot to pick up my check today but that's ok because I won't be able to cash it until Monday anyway. I need to pay my mom back $230 still and somehow save for prom. I want to become a stripper for like a week, just so I can get enough money. But I'm not 18, and I couldn't bring myself to do that.

I need to blog more, fersure.

Do blondes really have more fun?

Although many people told me that doing this to my hair would be a mistake, I like it.
I wouldn't necessarily say that it looks better than other colors I've had before, but it's something I've never come close to doing before, and I'm happy with the way it turned out.
The stylist who did is was a really sweet lady too. :)

Before:




Almost 3 hours and about $75 later...

Let me know what you think. :]

Everything hurts.

Sometimes I think God is playing a game with me.
It's like, when I think that my life is going ok, everything just crashes down on me.
Honestly, I feel like every time I feel good enough about my life that I don't think about killing myself, or even cutting, that I think "I'm not going to hurt myself, I'm going to be okay", God laughs and says "Think again."
I feel like I'm in some constant battle with him. What if I don't win? =/

Hey there, I like your hair.

I went over my text messages by almost 2000. =/ I now have unlimited, and I owe my mom $272...
I'm also grounded for two weeks for "lying and being irresponsible." I get the lying part, but the irresponsible part is B.S. I think my mom's mostly just mad that I'm talking to Stephen again because we "don't make a good couple." Whatever?

I've got a hair appointment tomorrow at 1:15. I think I'm going to do a platinum type blonde on top with black underneath, and black streaks in the bangs. I'm excited, I definitely want a huge change. But... I'm absolutely terrified that it will look ridiculously bad! :| I'm scared to even tell them what I want to do and have them look at me like "girl is you crazy?!" Oh jeez, I hope it will look good. Do you think it will?

Could you shoot a mothafucka?

Rachel: Jackie we know you're reading this! Lol.
Blaze is trying to break out of this one room and come blog with us, freaking weirdo. He tried stretching like while he was on top of Audrey, it was really scary, I hope she doesn't sue us because we have no money and Blaze is just a rude dog.

Audrey: It's okay though, because I'm just going to sue her and that will make up for the 500 MAC blushes that I have to buy for her.

7/-* ,LYT53O < That was Blaze. He was licking the keyboard. I understand that he has a way with words that most people cannot comprehend, but he's like an effin dog genius. :]

Rachel: Anyway, we took some super tight pictures and some really scary looking ones too. We put on makeup at midnight. Yay! This is like the coolest blog I've ever written.

Audrey: Rachel enjoys spending quality time with me at her house, even though half the time she was on the phone and the other half of the time we were just whispering to each other asking what we should be doing. It's weird, but fun...I guess. Oh yeah, there's this one boy that Rachel talks to. He said that we were a apart of his dyke colony, but like..how can you be the leader of a colony if you aren't even dykin'?! Rachel bought us pizza. Except she was so broke that the pizza lady had to give us a break and not make us pay the whole amount! I really thought Rachel was a better hooker than that, but what the hell...I guess she lost her touch. Oh yeah! And her dad hates her...for various reasons. We learned that today, but this creeper.

Rachel: He talked funny, like his teeth never moved. He was like very hilarious and weird. Audrey and I are imitating him right now, you should see it, it's kinda sexy. ;]

Audrey: I wish Rach would quit bein a slut and just imitate the coke head on video. Everything would all be great and gravy, then. Now, we are being EXTRA bored, except I've never laughed this much. I love her...almost.

Makeup vanity + karaoke.

I am dying to get a makeup vanity for my room, so I can have a big pretty table to keep all my makeup on/in, with a big mirror, and a chair so I can just sit down and do my makeup and hair in my room every morning.
They're so terribly expensive though. :(
I really love this (link) one. It has some drawers and everything. But it's $179, plus shipping. Eek!

I'm excited for tomorrow. Well, not working 1-6, but afterwards when Audrey is gonna stay the night and we're gonna sing karaoke. Nobody would sing it with me tonight, so I'm kindof excited. Even though I CAN NOT SING. Haha.

Goodnight.

No matter what they say, don't believe a word.

It kind of sucks when your friends just blow you off, ignore you, or flat out ditch you.
Oh well though, I suppose that it's my fault for choosing to surround myself with a majority of idiots.

The one person who knows just about every little thing about me is back in my life. We're trying to be careful and take things slow, but it's hard to do that. I'm happy, but also completely terrified. I haven't talked to anyone about it because I don't want everyone to know, especially if things end up the way they did before. I guess another reason I don't want to talk to people about it is that I don't want them to judge me and lecture me. I just feel like everyone will give me a lecture about how it's such a bad idea to let this person back into my life, when after having numerous conversations with this person, I feel like there is no reason not to.
Oh well though, it's my life and I suppose if I ever regret the decision it will give people a reason to say "I told you so."

Specktra finally started working for me again today. I wasn't expecting it to, but when I saw it load I got super excited. :D How nerdy is that? Hahaha.
Oh, and tonight I went to dinner with my mom, brother, my aunt, and aunt's friend at Ruby Tuesday to celebrate my aunt's birthday. I had never been there before, but I wasn't really hungry, so I just got a burger and fries. It was pretty good, and it was actually fun. :] I miss spending time with my aunt...
Oh, and my makeup looked really cute tonight!

I'm kind of getting tired of my hair. I was considering dying it, well I was planning on getting it highlighted again, but more this time, but it's so damn expensive! And I think I'm more in the mood for a cut change, I just have no idea how to cut it. I kind of want something a lot different than I've had in the past, but still cute. I have no idea what to do with it! =/

I've been to the year 3000.

I'm looking up scholarships, I applied to UNO, I'm getting stuff done and starting to not be so terrified about my future.
I'm still stressed, I've still got lots to do, but at this exact moment, with a list of scholarships I need to apply for in front of me, I feel secure.
On my UNO application I said I wanted to be a journalism major. I've been contemplating that since I took journalism my sophomore and love it. I'm still not completely sure that it's what I want to do, but I do know that I enjoy being a part of the school paper and I'm going to give it a try. I still want to attend cosmetology school, I might try and start that during the summer? I'm not sure yet, but I will figure it out.

And I'm pretty sure that I won't be touching any drug again soon. I don't know what happened yesterday, I thought it would help me feel better. I guess I felt happier? But I was embarassed about it, I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't want them to think I was stupid or be disappointed in me. I don't know... I just know that it's useless, that I'm going to be happy without it.

I'm still really sad that Specktra won't work on my computer. :( It's where I spend all my online time, and now I get bored without it.
I really need to start working out more, I've been doing these short strength training videos most every day, but I haven't been doing much cardio. That should change.

This blog makes me feel ashamed.

I'm super upset that specktra.net will not work on my computer for who knows what reason. I know it's just my computer because a friend of mine can access it from hers, and it also works at school. I don't know how to make it work, but I need to, because I'm addicted to specktra. I miss it! Haha.

I am very very tired right now.
I think it's because I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted.
I've been eating way too much, like seriously, I shoved so much crap in my mouth today it was disgusting. And I haven't been working out nearly enough.

Today I got high with a boy who practically only smokes weed because he's not with me.
We talked a lot, althought it was mostly about me.
We shared a very long hug that was the best thing I've felt in so long.
But maybe that doesn't mean anything.
And I'm pretty sure it's not ok that I felt a lot better with a drug than without one. =/

When you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you...

I hate the constant reminders of you. Your best friend's girlfriend was telling my best friend about how you guys are super close, how you're soo cool, and how she totally needs to talk to me about some stuff... about you. As soon as I heard that, my stomach dropped. I'm anxious, I'm nervous... I want to know, but at the same time I feel completely scared and sick and I know that I'm better off just not knowing. I never really see her, so I'm sure I'll never find out anyway...

On another, but still slightly similar note... You know how some people believe that everyone has a soulmate? I want to believe that so desperately. I want there to be someone out there for me, that was meant to wake up next to me every morning. Except I kind of don't feel like there is.
What about those people who never get married? What happened to their soulmate?
Maybe my soulmate was out there, and just died in a fire before I was able to meet him. =/

Oh! I downloaded Taylor Swift's Fearless cd last night. I love it. The song Fifteen has been stuck in my head since then.
"Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them."
"Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind."

I don't fuckin' care anymore. (And I never did!)

I feel bad because I didn't blog yesterday which kind of ruins my whole "blog every other day" thing, but I honestly didn't have time.

Well, I broke up with Jared. I told him I still liked him, I just wasn't ready for a relationship yet.
I'm really not, it's way too soon. I'm still hurt over my last relationship, and I'm just all confused and scared and I really don't believe I can handle a relationship right now, or ever? =/ Also, I enjoy being single and flirting with cute boys. I like having my freedom and I feel happier being able to do whatever the hell I want.
Also, he's just way too... childish... for me. Like, he's a bit younger than me, but I don't know. Like we were laying on Bekka's couch and he was getting up, and he hand brushed across my boob, and he started laughing? Like I thought only 11 year old boys did that? Also, we were at a "party" last night - which I'm mad about because we were supposed to go to a movie and so I wasted money on a ticket and we didn't even go, ugh! - and he got really high. So I'm taking back to his house and he doesn't even TALK TO ME, he FALL ASLEEP. So when we get to Council Bluffs I wake him up because I don't know how to get to his house, and he still keeps falling asleep. We were almost there and he goes "Oh, I think this is the wrong street." Luckily it wasn't or I was going to hit this boy! I think I was partly mad because I knew my mom would be angry that I was getting home so late, and we had left late, so I was trying to hurry and he wasn't helping. Plus, it just seemed so pointless and childish of him to do that when he has to know how it would affect him? Oh, and then he gave me some fucked up directions home but luckily I ended up by the mall and knew how to get home from there.

Oh well, I'm too good for boys anyway :D Haha.

Let's play a love game.

Today after school I got to see Audrey. :D Like right when I saw her I couldn't stop smiling.
Ahahah, because I'm got a huge dyke crush on her. Just kidding, but I really miss seeing her at school, except it's okay because we're still going to be very good friends. I was excited because we looked at makeup and she got lots of hot stuff! She even bought me this mascara I've been wanting to try, even though SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE. She's sweet. :]
I went to dinner with my brother and dad at Burger King.
Then I went to this ghetto ass car wash! I get up there and find out that it doesn't take cards, only cash and doesn't give out change. Well I only has a $10 bill, so Bekka had to run in and get some change. After that we picked up Aramis and went to Council Bluffs to pick up my new boo. ;] When we took him back home I met his mom, grandma, and sisters. It was kind of weird, haha. But then it was fun because he walked me out to my car, Bekka and Aramis were in it, and we were just leaning on it being super silly. He's adorable. xD
And I was actually on time coming home, due to being effing scared because I'm always late and my mom gets mad, and some hardcore speeding. Aramis was scared, hah!

This was kind of a lame post... sorry.
I feel bad because I was going to do a workout video and then 30 minutes of cardio today, but I got busy and only did the video. =/

I sat here for 15 minutes trying to come up with a witty title, and failed.

So as always, MAC put me in a fabulous mood. :D The makeup artist that helped me was super nice and helpful, and I feel like I really got a lot for my money.
If anyone is interested, here's what I got:

Penultimate liner, Golden bronzing powder, Springsheen blush, Dame blush, Viva Glam V lipstick, 168 brush, Shroom e/s, Woodwinked e/s, Brun e/s, Vanilla e/s.
(These aren't in order of the picture, so if you've got a question, just ask!)

Today I went to Council Bluffs with Bekka and hung out with Tyler and Jared. It was fun, as always with those two. And this adorable boy named Jared asked me out. :] I'm really excited, but also really nervous, and looking forward to just taking it slow, getting to know him, and having fun.
I'm also looking forward to my early out on Thursday because I get to see my soulmate, Audrey! We shall definitely have to have a sleepover one night and spend all night talking about makeup and graphics. :P

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.

I hate this feeling.
I wish you wouldn't have texted me, telling me all that stuff that you did. I wish you wouldn't have said that you think about me every day. I wish you hadn't made it seem like you missed me. Because ever since then I've been thinking about you more. I guess just hearing that made me feel like it was okay to think about you too. Except it's really not okay because it hurts. I wish that I didn't wake up this morning as lonely as ever after having a stupid dream about you. I wish that I would stop randomly remembering all the good times, and I wish that I didn't wish that this had never happened.
I'm tired of feeling this aching emptiness, this loneliness, every fucking minute of every day. But I don't know how to make it stop. =/

So tomorrow I'm going to take my Christmas money and go to MAC and buy some fabulous fucking makeup, I'm thinking some neutral eyeshadows and some lipsticks, maybe a blush or two... because that's what makes me feel better, that's what I get excited about. <3 The other day I was telling Jess about my Coastal Scents palette with the 88 colors of eyeshadow in it. I guess she told everyone else about it because today at work Dennis was making fun of me. He's all "Estee Lauder is jealous because they don't have as large a selection as you." Hahah. :]
Hopefully this shopping trip will put me in a better mood.
Also, today is the start of my working out for the year. I'm going to try and make it last all year this time. I'm doing a "New You Bootcamp" on http://teens.sparkpeople.com and today is the first day of that. I'm pretty excited about it.

Just keep swimming.

Today I got off work an hour and ninteen minutes early. :]
Ryan and I went to the Double Tree Hotel to go swimming with my dad, his girlfriend, and her family. It was kind of fun.
Then we tried cleaning off my windshield with water [there's no wiper fluid!] and it was freezing on the windsheild. And our hair was all wet and frozen too. Hahaha, omg. Then we stopped and got Godfathers like right before it closed, mmm.

I'm lonely all the time now.
I don't know how to fix it... =/

If you be my star, I'll be your sky.

I'm pretty sure that Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk is going to be my favorite song for the rest of my life, it's the sweetest, prettiest song I've ever heard.

I want to write a blog that's beautiful, and than can explain just how I'm feeling right now. Which means that this blog is probably going to end up sounding stupid, because I can never find the rights words to express myself, maybe because I don't even really know what I'm feeling or what my fucking problem is.

You know what? I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fucking scared and lost and most of all, lonely. I am lonely all the time, unless I'm with someone, and sometimes even when I'm with someone.
I haven't been with Stephen for just over a month now, but it's January 1st and things just feel weird. It's a new year, I'm starting this new year, one of the most important years of my life... without him. It's weird to think that he used to be my best friend and then one day, he was just gone. It's even weirder that it's been this easy. I don't cry every day, I don't wish he was with me every time I go somewhere, I'm not miserable every time I wake up in the morning.
That doesn't mean I don't miss him. Honestly, thank God that I'm not the horrible wreck that I was last time. But, it still hurts. I just keep thinking about the good times, and it's so weird to realize that that's gone.
He texted me on Tuesday, and I thought it would be okay. "I know we don't talk but if you would just tell me how you've been..." and so I figured it would be a perfectly fine conversation. But it didn't work out like that. We argued a little bit about the break up, and he made me feel bad when in all reality I shouldn't feel bad at all.
What really pissed me off is that he told me there were reasons that he broke up with me that I didn't know about. Okay, really? There was no need to say that unless you planned on telling me. Not that it would matter, since we're not together, we're not getting back together, so why the fuck would you even say that? Why would you tell me that you cry every night unless you're drunk?
Why the fuck should I feel bad about that? You broke up with me! You told me you didn't know if you loved me anymore, you told me that you were unhappy with our relationship. And NOW you want to try and turn your stories around and sit here acting like you're so devastated to not be with me when you're the one who broke my fucking heart?
Fuck that! I'm so mad about it... still. I guess I thought maybe if we talked about it, I would get a sense of closure. I still don't know what to say when people ask why we broke up, because I kind of don't know why. But apparently Stephen can't handle talking to me and telling me, and I'm okay with that. I don't plan on talking to him again because I shouldn't have to continue going through this. There is no need for me to jump into my car after work and bawl my eyes out the entire drive home because I was reminded of what was and what will never be again.
I can do this. I know I can. It just hurts, and I'm lonely, and it's weird going back into this world where boys think it's okay to use me.
It's like I want to be in a relationship, but then I don't because I don't feel like it will work, so there's no point? =/
I definitely think I need to move on before I get into a relationship though.

Enough about that.
Last night was really nice, and made me adore this lady named Audrey even more than I already did. I picked up Bekka, David, and Audrey and drove around forever, getting all sorts of lost trying to find Suzi's grandma's house. We finally got there and had this delicious pizza that my fat ass is major craving right now. Of course, I got lost on the way home too. It was out in the country, lots of dirt roads and trees, so everyone was getting scared and it was pretty hilarious to be honest.
Anyway, last night, it was almost midnight and Audrey and I were in Walmart to use the bathroom. We were really about to spend new years in a Walmart bathroom, and I decided that was definitely not okay. So at 11:59 we start running, because we HAVE to be outside. We're almost out the door and this old lady is all "NO RUNNING, YOU'LL FALL." Ahaha, it was SO funny. We get outside and it's still 11:59. Then I'm staring at my phone, waiting for it to say 12:00AM and when it does I'm doing this weird sort of dance and yelling with Audrey. :]
Then this creeper driving through the parking lot almost breaks his neck because his eyes wouldn't stop looking at Audrey and I. We walk past him on our way back to my car and he's just looking at us, cheesin' super hard. So I tell him happy new year and he doesn't even stop grinning to say "you too!" I think Audrey might leave me for him, to be honest. ;]
We then had our first Burger King of the year - I had a hamburger with no pickle and a vanilla milkshake.
Yum.
So basically, I don't know why, but I felt like I got closer to Audrey last night and I love it! I'm going to miss seeing her at school but it's going to be okay because I love her and we're gonna be super tight friends and hang out way more. <3

one one oh nine!

First post of the new year! :]
I'm determined to make this year a good one.
I've got some pretty amazing friends, and I'm really excited about trying to spend a lot more time with them.

Here are my new years resolutions:
- Move on, let go.
- Get down to 140 by prom (aka lose about 7 lbs.)
- Get into cosmetology school.
- Work out 5 days a week.
- Blog at least every other day.

I'm really terrified about the first one to be honest. =/
I am excited for the new year, but honestly, I'm really scared too.
It's really going to be different...