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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Peace out, oh eight.

Koua posted a note on Facebook talking about the highlights of his year, and I wanted to do the same. Mine probably won't be as good as his because my memory, or my brain in general, doesn't work too well. ;]

January: Nothing too exciting happened, that I can remember. I think that's when Stephen got his tattoo and we made some bomb ass homemade pizza.

February: That's when I got my new bed! I was excited, it even has a canopy, but I don't have one that matches my sheets haha. That's when my mom finally met Shane when we went to his Pride Players thing. I hung out with Micah after not seeing him in a million years. :] I had a pretty adorable/romantic Valentines Day. We were eating this amazing dinner he cooked for me by the fire and his dad came in and turned on this really pretty celtic-type music, hahaha. I tried to dye my tips pink but it didn't show up super well.

March: I found and purchased my prom dress. I got my first turtle, Monster! I went to the Back in Time dance to sell stuff to rasie money for newspaper. I looked really cute but it was a really crappy night. =/ I celebrated my one year with Stephen and he bought me Godfathers.<3 In the pictures I look like I had been crying... I wonder why because I don't remember that, ha.

April: I went to Cali for the j-lism convention with Andrea, Jessica, and Jake. My camera got a bunch of salt water in it from when we went to the beach and I thought it was broken but later it magically started working again. It was just really fun. :]

May: Prom! We went to dinner with Nicalette and Shane, and it was just overall pretty fun. I got my mom a pretty necklace for mothers day. The bomb threat at school! Hahah, that was one of the best days, no lie. End of junior year.

June: I attended this summer writing workshop, it was okay I guess. Stephen and I went swimming with his sister at her aparment complex a few times. The Cobra Starship on Nicalette's birthday! That was fun. I felt more confident about myself and finally bought a bikini... and wore it. I could still use a little toning up though. Ryan and I got our first dog, Brutus! I think this was the month I got rid of Monster...

July: I worked all day on the 4th and then went to the country club to watch fireworks with Ryan, my mom, and Stephen. It was pretty. :] We spent a lot of time taking care of Brutus. I got my new turtle. He was so tiny, like seriously the size of a fifty cent piece. Awh, he's gettin' bigger but I still love him. I was trying to practice my makeup skills more.

August: I got my hair dyed and highlighted at the salon. It cost a lot, but it looked hot. I got my senior pictures taken. I went to my dad's company picnic at FunPlex, went swimming a lot, and had one of my flip flops fall off on one of the rides. That was a pretty fun day. I got my running shoes, which I don't use often enough. I made my first MAC purchase and that's when my extreme makeup addiction started. I don't remember what I did on my birthday, except for that I had an early out and I went to Sephora and stuff with Stephen and his sister. I had a "party" with family but I don't think that was on my actual birthday. I made my second MAC purchase from the Cult of Cherry collection, and I still love that fucking Spiced Chocolate quad.<3 I went to a few places with Bekka and that creepy guy at dollar tree talked to her. "I saw you shakin' them hips to the YMCA." Lmfao.

September: I got this unflattering homecoming dress and took it back. Bought more MAC. We had to get rid of Brutus because he was really aggressive. That sucked. =/ Bekka and I got in trouble for taking pictures in Walmart. We got Blaze, our new puppy. Awh, he was so little. I went to the pumpkin patch with Stephen and enjoyed acting like a kid again. Bekka and I made a lot of stupid videos this month, lol.

October: I used fake eyelashes for the first time. I made these deliciously adorable Halloween cupcakes with Bekka and took an hour to decorate 12, haha. Oh, it was homecoming week! Rockstar day was favorite, I wore fishnets and super teased my hair. Haha, I probably looked like a prostitute. I decided that I would never again put aluminum foil in my mouth because that shit hurts. Stephen and I got super lost trying to get to the homecoming game, and it ended up being really boring, so we left and got Godfathers. :] Homecoming was fun, even though the zipper on my dress is kind of a pain in the ass and my heels killed my feet. Stephen and I practiced making scary looking cuts with makeup, lol. We had Spooktacular at the zoo and I dressed up like a zebra! That was hot, haha. Halloween was really fun. I helped my mom with her kindergarden class party and got mistaken as the mother of a 5 year old, oh jeez! =/ I walked around with Bekka, Tami, Erin, and Stephen... and went to a haunted house with Stephen and Suzi.

November: I got my heart broken... twice. =/ I saw Kyle again after not seeing him for months.<3 I went to see Twilight with Ryan, Suzi, and Johnny and my brother made me laugh for like 10 hours straight. "I'm straight and even I'm starting to fall for him!" I got my Coastal Scents 88 palette from Stephen, holy shit I love that thing. I got grounded for something stupid after not being grounded for a really long time. Thanksgiving was nice, I hadn't seen my aunt much lately and it's been nice being able to spend more time with her.

December: I started hanging out with Garret more, that's my bestie dude.<3 I went to the Hollywood Undead concert with Andrea and made fun of nasty kids in the mosh pit and 12 year olds who were in love with us, ahahaha. I started hanging out with Aramis more, that's been nice. Audrey's birthday party! That was fun, I hope she thought so too. I got closer to the newspaper staff, especially Tristan.<3 I had a baby with Log Watts, it's a beautiful girl with long hair, lmfao. I got married to Suzi but she's a terrible wife, to be honest. Haha. I had a pretty simple, but nice Christmas with my family and spent the day after with my dad's family. I reconnected with a lot of old friends, and I'm getting closer to a lot of people. I love it! Tonight will be fun too. :]

I don't think this has all the emotional type stuff, because I was looking through pictures to try and see what I did, and obviously I wasn't taking pictures while I was bawling my eyes out or when I couldn't stop smiling.
So really, this little timeline sort of sucked, but oh well.

I can't fucking wait for 2009. :D

Monday, December 29, 2008

Thanks for the memories.

What happens when you miss your past, but you know that things can never go back to how they were?
What are you supposed to do then?

Oh well. I am optimistic about the future.<3

People you may know.

Random thought: Today was the first day in a long ass time that I didn't wear makeup.

You know how Facebook has that "people you may know" thing, and how now Myspace has it too? Well, I was really bored today and so I clicked on it (the Myspace one.) I don't know why because I never find people I know, or people I know well enough to want to add.
But I just kept clicking "see more" and after a few clicks, Scott's page came up.
I knew it was his before I even clicked but I opened his page anyway.
I don't know why, but I automatically checked the "last login" thing, like I expected it to be today or yesterday or something. But it wasn't, it was October 9th. Two days before he died.
I just kind of miss him, you know?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Fucked and left for dead.

Last night was pretty fun. :]
Staying up until 4:30am, even though you have to work at 10am, getting less than 4 hours of sleep to spend time with people you love and actually not being tired for work is also pretty fun.

And then reality hits you.
And you realize that it happened again. It's just another game.
You're always playing this fucking game, and you're not as good as you think you are, so you're the one getting played.

I'm so tired of people telling me how pretty I am.
Really? Because sure, maybe I'm pretty. Pretty enough to fuck, but not pretty enough to date.
This is how it always happens.
"I just don't want a girlfriend right now" roughly translates to "I don't want to be with you, but I want to keep fucking you"
I'm not even saying this like I'm sitting here fucking people. I mean it with even just like anything remotely sexual or whatever.
Ha, this always happens. I should be used to it right?

I'm just a toy, really.
doll: a small replica of a person; used as a toy.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Slippin' down a slide, I did enjoy the ride.

I feel like I need to blog, but I don't know what to stay.

I'm in a shitty ass mood.
Apparently there is a big "use me" sign on my forehead, and I was compeltely unaware of it.
I'm lonely and people take advantage of that, and I let them because it makes me happy, makes me feel good.

The past couple years of my life were just one big joke.
But I don't even care.
I'm craving pizza and someone to cuddle with, two things I won't be getting tonight.
Lovely. =/

Sunday, December 14, 2008


This blog is just for Audrey.
Because I don't know what to blog about.
And because I absolutely love her.
And because she just turned eighteen! :D
And because I get to hang out with her a shit ton tomorrow.
Well, today.
And because I'm pretty effin' excited about it.

Oh yeah, did I mention that she's amazing?
I love you Audrey,
I'm so glad I didn't have to sign up on eharmony to find you.
Happy birthday babygirl, I hope you have fun with me & Jess today. :D

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm afraid to admit that I'm scared.

I'm blogging, just for Audrey. (:

I've got a lot of feelings, and a lot of thoughts. I don't know where they come from, but sometimes I'd really like to just shut my brain down and tell myself to fuck off.
I like someone? Well, I guess two people. But I told one I didn't want to do anything because I liked the other. I mean, I don't want to date anyone, but I feel weird just liking and messing around with two guys at the same time. Ha, I don't know. I'm afraid that things are gonna be weird now that I said something, like I'll regret it, but oh well. I think I'm just paranoid, really.

Also, everyone's talking about these colleges they got accepted to and it freaks me the fuck out because I haven't applied to any yet. =/
I used to be excited for growing up and now I'm just absolutely terrified.
I don't want to apply, it's too much work.
I don't want to even go because I'm afraid of being alone, and everyone's just going different places.
I just don't want to face life, or reality.
I want to go back to being a little kid when everything was a million times easier.
I need a hottie with a time machine, please. (: Hahah.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure people should stop trying to talk to me about Stephen.
Because I really don't give a fuck.

Basically. I am so fucking scared of the future, to the point where I just don't want to deal with it. AT ALL.
fuck my life. hah.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Say that I'm the only one, but I know it's just a lie.

I was talking to Bekka about this, and I figured I might as well post a blog about it.
I don't think I've completely thought out how I feel about this, but this is roughly my opinion. Feel free to disagree.

I honestly do not want to be in a relationship. I don't see the point.
You're with someone for who knows how long, and then it ends. And it hurts.
I don't believe that there is one person out there for me, one person that I'm supposed to be with forever.
I do believe that love is important and well, the best thing maybe even the greatest achievement, in life. I believe that people were meant to love and form relationships, but I mean this as friend and family bonds as well as romantic types.
Some people say you only fall in love once, but I don't believe that either. Most likely, you will love more than one person in your life, and I don't think one love will outweigh the rest, they will just be different kinds of love.
People break up after dating for years, being married for years, and I feel like that just proves that you are not meant to be with one person. Many people who stay together for years have crappy, unhappy relationships anyway. =/
So, I don't see the point in being with someone. Why tell them all my secrets and pull them closest to me so that they can leave?
But then, I don't want people to think they can just take advantage of me because I don't want to date...

Who knows, dude.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I dreamed I was missing...

I felt like that song needed it's own post, hah.

So, I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.
But I don't really want to call anyone, and I don't know...
I'm just really scared that it hasn't fully hit me yet,
and that one day it's going to and it's going to hurt just like it did before. Or worse? :|

And, about the friend I was talking about earlier.
Yesterday I felt silly for writing that post because we hung out and it was fun.
But then today, we were going to hang out and they just didn't seem to want to, and I called them an hour ago, just to talk, not hang out, and they haven't called back.
I guess I shouldn't put so much trust in one person.
But they make me happy when they're around. =/
I don't know. Blah.

Boston by Augustana.

Honestly, I love this song. I feel like it was meant for me to hear, although I don't know why.
I could listen to it on repeat for the rest of my life.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.