I'm pretty sure that Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk is going to be my favorite song for the rest of my life, it's the sweetest, prettiest song I've ever heard.
I want to write a blog that's beautiful, and than can explain just how I'm feeling right now. Which means that this blog is probably going to end up sounding stupid, because I can never find the rights words to express myself, maybe because I don't even really know what I'm feeling or what my fucking problem is.
You know what? I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fucking scared and lost and most of all, lonely. I am lonely all the time, unless I'm with someone, and sometimes even when I'm with someone.
I haven't been with Stephen for just over a month now, but it's January 1st and things just feel weird. It's a new year, I'm starting this new year, one of the most important years of my life... without him. It's weird to think that he used to be my best friend and then one day, he was just gone. It's even weirder that it's been this easy. I don't cry every day, I don't wish he was with me every time I go somewhere, I'm not miserable every time I wake up in the morning.
That doesn't mean I don't miss him. Honestly, thank God that I'm not the horrible wreck that I was last time. But, it still hurts. I just keep thinking about the good times, and it's so weird to realize that that's gone.
He texted me on Tuesday, and I thought it would be okay. "I know we don't talk but if you would just tell me how you've been..." and so I figured it would be a perfectly fine conversation. But it didn't work out like that. We argued a little bit about the break up, and he made me feel bad when in all reality I shouldn't feel bad at all.
What really pissed me off is that he told me there were reasons that he broke up with me that I didn't know about. Okay, really? There was no need to say that unless you planned on telling me. Not that it would matter, since we're not together, we're not getting back together, so why the fuck would you even say that? Why would you tell me that you cry every night unless you're drunk?
Why the fuck should I feel bad about that? You broke up with me! You told me you didn't know if you loved me anymore, you told me that you were unhappy with our relationship. And NOW you want to try and turn your stories around and sit here acting like you're so devastated to not be with me when you're the one who broke my fucking heart?
Fuck that! I'm so mad about it... still. I guess I thought maybe if we talked about it, I would get a sense of closure. I still don't know what to say when people ask why we broke up, because I kind of don't know why. But apparently Stephen can't handle talking to me and telling me, and I'm okay with that. I don't plan on talking to him again because I shouldn't have to continue going through this. There is no need for me to jump into my car after work and bawl my eyes out the entire drive home because I was reminded of what was and what will never be again.
I can do this. I know I can. It just hurts, and I'm lonely, and it's weird going back into this world where boys think it's okay to use me.
It's like I want to be in a relationship, but then I don't because I don't feel like it will work, so there's no point? =/
I definitely think I need to move on before I get into a relationship though.
Enough about that.
Last night was really nice, and made me adore this lady named Audrey even more than I already did. I picked up Bekka, David, and Audrey and drove around forever, getting all sorts of lost trying to find Suzi's grandma's house. We finally got there and had this delicious pizza that my fat ass is major craving right now. Of course, I got lost on the way home too. It was out in the country, lots of dirt roads and trees, so everyone was getting scared and it was pretty hilarious to be honest.
Anyway, last night, it was almost midnight and Audrey and I were in Walmart to use the bathroom. We were really about to spend new years in a Walmart bathroom, and I decided that was definitely not okay. So at 11:59 we start running, because we HAVE to be outside. We're almost out the door and this old lady is all "NO RUNNING, YOU'LL FALL." Ahaha, it was SO funny. We get outside and it's still 11:59. Then I'm staring at my phone, waiting for it to say 12:00AM and when it does I'm doing this weird sort of dance and yelling with Audrey. :]
Then this creeper driving through the parking lot almost breaks his neck because his eyes wouldn't stop looking at Audrey and I. We walk past him on our way back to my car and he's just looking at us, cheesin' super hard. So I tell him happy new year and he doesn't even stop grinning to say "you too!" I think Audrey might leave me for him, to be honest. ;]
We then had our first Burger King of the year - I had a hamburger with no pickle and a vanilla milkshake.
So basically, I don't know why, but I felt like I got closer to Audrey last night and I love it! I'm going to miss seeing her at school but it's going to be okay because I love her and we're gonna be super tight friends and hang out way more. <3