"Miss miserable, this drama scene is getting old."

A lot of the time, when I'm upset or I see people upset, I feel like it's normal. I feel like no one is ever going to be happy. I figure that if someone like Scott, who seemed so happy, couldn't be happy, then maybe the people who couldn't even pretend to be that happy are just destined to be miserable.

I miss him. I think they're planning a way to recognize him somehow at graduation, and I really hope they do. He deserves that.

I have no money. I forgot to pick up my check today but that's ok because I won't be able to cash it until Monday anyway. I need to pay my mom back $230 still and somehow save for prom. I want to become a stripper for like a week, just so I can get enough money. But I'm not 18, and I couldn't bring myself to do that.

I need to blog more, fersure.

Do blondes really have more fun?

Although many people told me that doing this to my hair would be a mistake, I like it.
I wouldn't necessarily say that it looks better than other colors I've had before, but it's something I've never come close to doing before, and I'm happy with the way it turned out.
The stylist who did is was a really sweet lady too. :)

Before:




Almost 3 hours and about $75 later...

Let me know what you think. :]

Everything hurts.

Sometimes I think God is playing a game with me.
It's like, when I think that my life is going ok, everything just crashes down on me.
Honestly, I feel like every time I feel good enough about my life that I don't think about killing myself, or even cutting, that I think "I'm not going to hurt myself, I'm going to be okay", God laughs and says "Think again."
I feel like I'm in some constant battle with him. What if I don't win? =/

Hey there, I like your hair.

I went over my text messages by almost 2000. =/ I now have unlimited, and I owe my mom $272...
I'm also grounded for two weeks for "lying and being irresponsible." I get the lying part, but the irresponsible part is B.S. I think my mom's mostly just mad that I'm talking to Stephen again because we "don't make a good couple." Whatever?

I've got a hair appointment tomorrow at 1:15. I think I'm going to do a platinum type blonde on top with black underneath, and black streaks in the bangs. I'm excited, I definitely want a huge change. But... I'm absolutely terrified that it will look ridiculously bad! :| I'm scared to even tell them what I want to do and have them look at me like "girl is you crazy?!" Oh jeez, I hope it will look good. Do you think it will?

Could you shoot a mothafucka?

Rachel: Jackie we know you're reading this! Lol.
Blaze is trying to break out of this one room and come blog with us, freaking weirdo. He tried stretching like while he was on top of Audrey, it was really scary, I hope she doesn't sue us because we have no money and Blaze is just a rude dog.

Audrey: It's okay though, because I'm just going to sue her and that will make up for the 500 MAC blushes that I have to buy for her.

7/-* ,LYT53O < That was Blaze. He was licking the keyboard. I understand that he has a way with words that most people cannot comprehend, but he's like an effin dog genius. :]

Rachel: Anyway, we took some super tight pictures and some really scary looking ones too. We put on makeup at midnight. Yay! This is like the coolest blog I've ever written.

Audrey: Rachel enjoys spending quality time with me at her house, even though half the time she was on the phone and the other half of the time we were just whispering to each other asking what we should be doing. It's weird, but fun...I guess. Oh yeah, there's this one boy that Rachel talks to. He said that we were a apart of his dyke colony, but like..how can you be the leader of a colony if you aren't even dykin'?! Rachel bought us pizza. Except she was so broke that the pizza lady had to give us a break and not make us pay the whole amount! I really thought Rachel was a better hooker than that, but what the hell...I guess she lost her touch. Oh yeah! And her dad hates her...for various reasons. We learned that today, but this creeper.

Rachel: He talked funny, like his teeth never moved. He was like very hilarious and weird. Audrey and I are imitating him right now, you should see it, it's kinda sexy. ;]

Audrey: I wish Rach would quit bein a slut and just imitate the coke head on video. Everything would all be great and gravy, then. Now, we are being EXTRA bored, except I've never laughed this much. I love her...almost.

Makeup vanity + karaoke.

I am dying to get a makeup vanity for my room, so I can have a big pretty table to keep all my makeup on/in, with a big mirror, and a chair so I can just sit down and do my makeup and hair in my room every morning.
They're so terribly expensive though. :(
I really love this (link) one. It has some drawers and everything. But it's $179, plus shipping. Eek!

I'm excited for tomorrow. Well, not working 1-6, but afterwards when Audrey is gonna stay the night and we're gonna sing karaoke. Nobody would sing it with me tonight, so I'm kindof excited. Even though I CAN NOT SING. Haha.

Goodnight.

No matter what they say, don't believe a word.

It kind of sucks when your friends just blow you off, ignore you, or flat out ditch you.
Oh well though, I suppose that it's my fault for choosing to surround myself with a majority of idiots.

The one person who knows just about every little thing about me is back in my life. We're trying to be careful and take things slow, but it's hard to do that. I'm happy, but also completely terrified. I haven't talked to anyone about it because I don't want everyone to know, especially if things end up the way they did before. I guess another reason I don't want to talk to people about it is that I don't want them to judge me and lecture me. I just feel like everyone will give me a lecture about how it's such a bad idea to let this person back into my life, when after having numerous conversations with this person, I feel like there is no reason not to.
Oh well though, it's my life and I suppose if I ever regret the decision it will give people a reason to say "I told you so."

Specktra finally started working for me again today. I wasn't expecting it to, but when I saw it load I got super excited. :D How nerdy is that? Hahaha.
Oh, and tonight I went to dinner with my mom, brother, my aunt, and aunt's friend at Ruby Tuesday to celebrate my aunt's birthday. I had never been there before, but I wasn't really hungry, so I just got a burger and fries. It was pretty good, and it was actually fun. :] I miss spending time with my aunt...
Oh, and my makeup looked really cute tonight!

I'm kind of getting tired of my hair. I was considering dying it, well I was planning on getting it highlighted again, but more this time, but it's so damn expensive! And I think I'm more in the mood for a cut change, I just have no idea how to cut it. I kind of want something a lot different than I've had in the past, but still cute. I have no idea what to do with it! =/

I've been to the year 3000.

I'm looking up scholarships, I applied to UNO, I'm getting stuff done and starting to not be so terrified about my future.
I'm still stressed, I've still got lots to do, but at this exact moment, with a list of scholarships I need to apply for in front of me, I feel secure.
On my UNO application I said I wanted to be a journalism major. I've been contemplating that since I took journalism my sophomore and love it. I'm still not completely sure that it's what I want to do, but I do know that I enjoy being a part of the school paper and I'm going to give it a try. I still want to attend cosmetology school, I might try and start that during the summer? I'm not sure yet, but I will figure it out.

And I'm pretty sure that I won't be touching any drug again soon. I don't know what happened yesterday, I thought it would help me feel better. I guess I felt happier? But I was embarassed about it, I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't want them to think I was stupid or be disappointed in me. I don't know... I just know that it's useless, that I'm going to be happy without it.

I'm still really sad that Specktra won't work on my computer. :( It's where I spend all my online time, and now I get bored without it.
I really need to start working out more, I've been doing these short strength training videos most every day, but I haven't been doing much cardio. That should change.

This blog makes me feel ashamed.

I'm super upset that specktra.net will not work on my computer for who knows what reason. I know it's just my computer because a friend of mine can access it from hers, and it also works at school. I don't know how to make it work, but I need to, because I'm addicted to specktra. I miss it! Haha.

I am very very tired right now.
I think it's because I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted.
I've been eating way too much, like seriously, I shoved so much crap in my mouth today it was disgusting. And I haven't been working out nearly enough.

Today I got high with a boy who practically only smokes weed because he's not with me.
We talked a lot, althought it was mostly about me.
We shared a very long hug that was the best thing I've felt in so long.
But maybe that doesn't mean anything.
And I'm pretty sure it's not ok that I felt a lot better with a drug than without one. =/

When you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you...

I hate the constant reminders of you. Your best friend's girlfriend was telling my best friend about how you guys are super close, how you're soo cool, and how she totally needs to talk to me about some stuff... about you. As soon as I heard that, my stomach dropped. I'm anxious, I'm nervous... I want to know, but at the same time I feel completely scared and sick and I know that I'm better off just not knowing. I never really see her, so I'm sure I'll never find out anyway...

On another, but still slightly similar note... You know how some people believe that everyone has a soulmate? I want to believe that so desperately. I want there to be someone out there for me, that was meant to wake up next to me every morning. Except I kind of don't feel like there is.
What about those people who never get married? What happened to their soulmate?
Maybe my soulmate was out there, and just died in a fire before I was able to meet him. =/

Oh! I downloaded Taylor Swift's Fearless cd last night. I love it. The song Fifteen has been stuck in my head since then.
"Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them."
"Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind."

I don't fuckin' care anymore. (And I never did!)

I feel bad because I didn't blog yesterday which kind of ruins my whole "blog every other day" thing, but I honestly didn't have time.

Well, I broke up with Jared. I told him I still liked him, I just wasn't ready for a relationship yet.
I'm really not, it's way too soon. I'm still hurt over my last relationship, and I'm just all confused and scared and I really don't believe I can handle a relationship right now, or ever? =/ Also, I enjoy being single and flirting with cute boys. I like having my freedom and I feel happier being able to do whatever the hell I want.
Also, he's just way too... childish... for me. Like, he's a bit younger than me, but I don't know. Like we were laying on Bekka's couch and he was getting up, and he hand brushed across my boob, and he started laughing? Like I thought only 11 year old boys did that? Also, we were at a "party" last night - which I'm mad about because we were supposed to go to a movie and so I wasted money on a ticket and we didn't even go, ugh! - and he got really high. So I'm taking back to his house and he doesn't even TALK TO ME, he FALL ASLEEP. So when we get to Council Bluffs I wake him up because I don't know how to get to his house, and he still keeps falling asleep. We were almost there and he goes "Oh, I think this is the wrong street." Luckily it wasn't or I was going to hit this boy! I think I was partly mad because I knew my mom would be angry that I was getting home so late, and we had left late, so I was trying to hurry and he wasn't helping. Plus, it just seemed so pointless and childish of him to do that when he has to know how it would affect him? Oh, and then he gave me some fucked up directions home but luckily I ended up by the mall and knew how to get home from there.

Oh well, I'm too good for boys anyway :D Haha.

Let's play a love game.

Today after school I got to see Audrey. :D Like right when I saw her I couldn't stop smiling.
Ahahah, because I'm got a huge dyke crush on her. Just kidding, but I really miss seeing her at school, except it's okay because we're still going to be very good friends. I was excited because we looked at makeup and she got lots of hot stuff! She even bought me this mascara I've been wanting to try, even though SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE. She's sweet. :]
I went to dinner with my brother and dad at Burger King.
Then I went to this ghetto ass car wash! I get up there and find out that it doesn't take cards, only cash and doesn't give out change. Well I only has a $10 bill, so Bekka had to run in and get some change. After that we picked up Aramis and went to Council Bluffs to pick up my new boo. ;] When we took him back home I met his mom, grandma, and sisters. It was kind of weird, haha. But then it was fun because he walked me out to my car, Bekka and Aramis were in it, and we were just leaning on it being super silly. He's adorable. xD
And I was actually on time coming home, due to being effing scared because I'm always late and my mom gets mad, and some hardcore speeding. Aramis was scared, hah!

This was kind of a lame post... sorry.
I feel bad because I was going to do a workout video and then 30 minutes of cardio today, but I got busy and only did the video. =/

I sat here for 15 minutes trying to come up with a witty title, and failed.

So as always, MAC put me in a fabulous mood. :D The makeup artist that helped me was super nice and helpful, and I feel like I really got a lot for my money.
If anyone is interested, here's what I got:

Penultimate liner, Golden bronzing powder, Springsheen blush, Dame blush, Viva Glam V lipstick, 168 brush, Shroom e/s, Woodwinked e/s, Brun e/s, Vanilla e/s.
(These aren't in order of the picture, so if you've got a question, just ask!)

Today I went to Council Bluffs with Bekka and hung out with Tyler and Jared. It was fun, as always with those two. And this adorable boy named Jared asked me out. :] I'm really excited, but also really nervous, and looking forward to just taking it slow, getting to know him, and having fun.
I'm also looking forward to my early out on Thursday because I get to see my soulmate, Audrey! We shall definitely have to have a sleepover one night and spend all night talking about makeup and graphics. :P

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.

I hate this feeling.
I wish you wouldn't have texted me, telling me all that stuff that you did. I wish you wouldn't have said that you think about me every day. I wish you hadn't made it seem like you missed me. Because ever since then I've been thinking about you more. I guess just hearing that made me feel like it was okay to think about you too. Except it's really not okay because it hurts. I wish that I didn't wake up this morning as lonely as ever after having a stupid dream about you. I wish that I would stop randomly remembering all the good times, and I wish that I didn't wish that this had never happened.
I'm tired of feeling this aching emptiness, this loneliness, every fucking minute of every day. But I don't know how to make it stop. =/

So tomorrow I'm going to take my Christmas money and go to MAC and buy some fabulous fucking makeup, I'm thinking some neutral eyeshadows and some lipsticks, maybe a blush or two... because that's what makes me feel better, that's what I get excited about. <3 The other day I was telling Jess about my Coastal Scents palette with the 88 colors of eyeshadow in it. I guess she told everyone else about it because today at work Dennis was making fun of me. He's all "Estee Lauder is jealous because they don't have as large a selection as you." Hahah. :]
Hopefully this shopping trip will put me in a better mood.
Also, today is the start of my working out for the year. I'm going to try and make it last all year this time. I'm doing a "New You Bootcamp" on http://teens.sparkpeople.com and today is the first day of that. I'm pretty excited about it.

Just keep swimming.

Today I got off work an hour and ninteen minutes early. :]
Ryan and I went to the Double Tree Hotel to go swimming with my dad, his girlfriend, and her family. It was kind of fun.
Then we tried cleaning off my windshield with water [there's no wiper fluid!] and it was freezing on the windsheild. And our hair was all wet and frozen too. Hahaha, omg. Then we stopped and got Godfathers like right before it closed, mmm.

I'm lonely all the time now.
I don't know how to fix it... =/

If you be my star, I'll be your sky.

I'm pretty sure that Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk is going to be my favorite song for the rest of my life, it's the sweetest, prettiest song I've ever heard.

I want to write a blog that's beautiful, and than can explain just how I'm feeling right now. Which means that this blog is probably going to end up sounding stupid, because I can never find the rights words to express myself, maybe because I don't even really know what I'm feeling or what my fucking problem is.

You know what? I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fucking scared and lost and most of all, lonely. I am lonely all the time, unless I'm with someone, and sometimes even when I'm with someone.
I haven't been with Stephen for just over a month now, but it's January 1st and things just feel weird. It's a new year, I'm starting this new year, one of the most important years of my life... without him. It's weird to think that he used to be my best friend and then one day, he was just gone. It's even weirder that it's been this easy. I don't cry every day, I don't wish he was with me every time I go somewhere, I'm not miserable every time I wake up in the morning.
That doesn't mean I don't miss him. Honestly, thank God that I'm not the horrible wreck that I was last time. But, it still hurts. I just keep thinking about the good times, and it's so weird to realize that that's gone.
He texted me on Tuesday, and I thought it would be okay. "I know we don't talk but if you would just tell me how you've been..." and so I figured it would be a perfectly fine conversation. But it didn't work out like that. We argued a little bit about the break up, and he made me feel bad when in all reality I shouldn't feel bad at all.
What really pissed me off is that he told me there were reasons that he broke up with me that I didn't know about. Okay, really? There was no need to say that unless you planned on telling me. Not that it would matter, since we're not together, we're not getting back together, so why the fuck would you even say that? Why would you tell me that you cry every night unless you're drunk?
Why the fuck should I feel bad about that? You broke up with me! You told me you didn't know if you loved me anymore, you told me that you were unhappy with our relationship. And NOW you want to try and turn your stories around and sit here acting like you're so devastated to not be with me when you're the one who broke my fucking heart?
Fuck that! I'm so mad about it... still. I guess I thought maybe if we talked about it, I would get a sense of closure. I still don't know what to say when people ask why we broke up, because I kind of don't know why. But apparently Stephen can't handle talking to me and telling me, and I'm okay with that. I don't plan on talking to him again because I shouldn't have to continue going through this. There is no need for me to jump into my car after work and bawl my eyes out the entire drive home because I was reminded of what was and what will never be again.
I can do this. I know I can. It just hurts, and I'm lonely, and it's weird going back into this world where boys think it's okay to use me.
It's like I want to be in a relationship, but then I don't because I don't feel like it will work, so there's no point? =/
I definitely think I need to move on before I get into a relationship though.

Enough about that.
Last night was really nice, and made me adore this lady named Audrey even more than I already did. I picked up Bekka, David, and Audrey and drove around forever, getting all sorts of lost trying to find Suzi's grandma's house. We finally got there and had this delicious pizza that my fat ass is major craving right now. Of course, I got lost on the way home too. It was out in the country, lots of dirt roads and trees, so everyone was getting scared and it was pretty hilarious to be honest.
Anyway, last night, it was almost midnight and Audrey and I were in Walmart to use the bathroom. We were really about to spend new years in a Walmart bathroom, and I decided that was definitely not okay. So at 11:59 we start running, because we HAVE to be outside. We're almost out the door and this old lady is all "NO RUNNING, YOU'LL FALL." Ahaha, it was SO funny. We get outside and it's still 11:59. Then I'm staring at my phone, waiting for it to say 12:00AM and when it does I'm doing this weird sort of dance and yelling with Audrey. :]
Then this creeper driving through the parking lot almost breaks his neck because his eyes wouldn't stop looking at Audrey and I. We walk past him on our way back to my car and he's just looking at us, cheesin' super hard. So I tell him happy new year and he doesn't even stop grinning to say "you too!" I think Audrey might leave me for him, to be honest. ;]
We then had our first Burger King of the year - I had a hamburger with no pickle and a vanilla milkshake.
Yum.
So basically, I don't know why, but I felt like I got closer to Audrey last night and I love it! I'm going to miss seeing her at school but it's going to be okay because I love her and we're gonna be super tight friends and hang out way more. <3

one one oh nine!

First post of the new year! :]
I'm determined to make this year a good one.
I've got some pretty amazing friends, and I'm really excited about trying to spend a lot more time with them.

Here are my new years resolutions:
- Move on, let go.
- Get down to 140 by prom (aka lose about 7 lbs.)
- Get into cosmetology school.
- Work out 5 days a week.
- Blog at least every other day.

I'm really terrified about the first one to be honest. =/
I am excited for the new year, but honestly, I'm really scared too.
It's really going to be different...