You said that you would die for me

Ever since the funeral, I've felt sort of odd. I feel like maybe I'm not really scared to die anymore. It just really reassured me that there was a heaven and that it'd be okay to die because there are some people I've been missing for far too long, and it would be really nice to see them again. And well, it made me want to start going to church again. I don't know, I mean, I just want to learn more about God and stuff, I know a lot of Bible stories and stuff because I went to church and sunday school all the time when I was younger, but now I never do... except on Easter and Christmas Eve. I just want to find a church with interesting sermons though, because I've been to lots of boring ones. Plus, I'm not a huuge fan of organized religion, I mean, I guess it has it's pros and cons.
People have really been bothering me lately. I hate when people act all weird about religion just because it's not something they have in their life. They make it sound so weird and are just all "Omg I'm not going to church, hell no!" Like, I don't understand why they act this way about it. This sounds so stupid but I can't explain it.

I looked up my order status for my makeup from MAC and it's been shipped. I checked out the tracking stuff and it's being shipped my UPS, everything is on schedule and it's supposed to arrive on Friday. Yay! :D I wish it were sooner though. I can't wait, asjghdasjkldgas!

I'm going to hang out with Stephen tonight. I wonder what we're going to do...
Oh, and on Sunday I tried fake eyelashes for the first time! It wasn't really too hard and they didn't get too messed up. I kept messing with one though so it started coming off so I just took both of them off. And then the second one I accidentally got a little glue on one of my real lashes and was so afraid that it was going to rip my real eyelashes out! Thankfully, Stephen helped me and it didn't. I just need to practice on getting it closer to my lashes, but not too close! I want to go get more. (: Haha.

Oh, y'know what else I think is funny? I love how when I talk about makeup people act all weird about it like "Oh hell no, that's too much to spend on makeup!" but then they're always asking if they can borrow/use it. Ironic, right? Not to mention, I don't spend all my money on makeup so someone else can use it. You say it's too much to spend but you obviously recognize that it's a good product, haah.

Asdfdfh;jklsdghj;sdfgh

I JUST WANT TO LIVE.

I'm tired of school, I'm tired of everything. I feel like doing homework, sitting in class for countless hours, selling people stuffed animals, cleaning the house... it's all just such a waste of time! You don't have that long to live as it is, and what's worse is that you don't know how long you're going to have at all. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow I would regret not doing more with my life. I would regret not putting myself out there more, I would regret not doing things for me... I think that's what this is all about.
All my life I've been living my life for other people because I was scared about what they would think, or because I didn't want to get in trouble. But as of 10:13pm on Monday September 29th I am no longer going to do that. No one is going to tell me what to do or force me to do something I don't want to. I am going to do what I need to, what I want to, to make myself happy, to make my life worthwhile.
And shit, this is going to be so hard! I'm honestly scared, but I want to try.
I believe that life is all about love, so as of tonight, I'm going to love unconditionally and without fear.

Also, the left side of my mouth hurts really bad. :| I don't know why, sjdglsjagd.
I got some really cute earrings today from Claires, and fixed my turtle's tank, so now it will be easier to clean. Goodnight...

I don't think that I have the strength to let you go.

I have a lot to say, but I don't feel like typing it all out. We'll see how it goes...

Let's start with yesterday. (: My dad must've felt bad that we have to get rid of Brutus, and so he bought a purebred black lab from one of his friends on Thursday night. He called my mom and told her about it on Friday and brought it to us as a surprise on Friday night when we were going to dinner.
It's so adorable! It's only 10 weeks old, so about 2 and a half months, and he's just so ajagdjlaskgd cutie! He already weighs 21 lbs, geez! Ryan and I slept downstairs with him last night and we bought him two cute toys and a halloween collar (which might be messed up and need to be returned) about an hour ago. I miss Brutus but this new guy is so adorable, and hopefully things will go better with him.<3

And about today... wow. I went to the funeral honestly believing that I would not cry. I was sad about his death but I hadn't cried and I didn't feel I was going to. I successfully tried not to cry until Michael started talking about his dad. Talking about all the things he had taught him, the things they had done, and how much he was going to and already did miss him. Needless to say, I started bawling.
After that, I was okay... until the end when we had to leave. I was waiting to see everyone, tell them how sorry I was, and I just started bawling again. I saw him lying there in the casket and I remembered all those little moments with him, how he'd always been so nice to me, and how it was never going to happen again. Then I looked at my friends, the people I'd known for so long, and saw how absolutely hurt they were, and that made it worse. I hugged Michael and Kyle while sobbing, and felt bad for not hugging Jackson, but I wasn't sure if he remembered me.
Then I had to come home and go to work. :|
My thoughts and prayers go out to this family.<3

This sucked, I wanted to say more, but oh well...

It's so easy, a caveman could do it!

Remember that rant about people's misconceptions on serious relationships that I promised? Here goes. It won't be too long, I promise.
One thing that really bothers me about people's ideas about love and serious relationships is that they assume that it is easy. People are constantly telling me how lucky I am, and complaining that they can't be as lucky as me. I'm not going to say that I'm not lucky, because I must have some sort of luck to have found someone that I care about more than anything, who also feels the same towards me. It's beautiful. But, everyone is just assuming that "oh, I can't be as lucky as you, poor me" when I believe that most people in high school aren't ready for this kind of thing.
While these people are sitting around complaining about how they will never find true love, and pointing out how easily and quickly I found someone, they don't realize how much effort the both of us have put into this relationship. We have both been crazy, jealous, ridiculous while we have both done things that have rightfully made the other person this way. We hurt each other and we make sacrifices, come to something we can both agree on, so that we will never have to see the other hurt like that again. We put our relationship before everything else, and this is why we are still together, this is why we're still making it.
I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong, but I feel that most teenage girls complaining about this would never make that kind of commitment and sacrifice (not that it's a bad thing, you're still young!) and that is why they don't have a more serious relationship.

On another note, I paid for my parking permit today, and I went to get it, but I need license/registration/proof of insurance. Go figure. The sucky part is that I'm only on my mom's insurance and the car I'm driving is my dad's. Since I'm not on that car's insurance I'm guessing that they aren't going to let me drive to school. It sucks. :| I'm going to try anyway tomorrow, but I'm not feeling too optimistic about it.

I get to see my babycakes tonight. :D I'm trying not to give up on school, sjkdghsjagdsjkdghlasj.

Am I lost in your eyes?

I honestly hate school. Graduation can't come soon enough.
I don't understand why an hour and a half in a class isn't enough, why is it that we must have tons of homework piled on top of that? It's ridiculous! Apparently, school is supposed to consume your entire life, right? Ugh!
Except I'm nervous about graduating too. All I know is that I want to move in with Stephen. He makes me happy and I feel that if I'm living with him, I'll be much happier and less stressed all the time. But, it's just going to a be a big argument that I don't want to have when I tell my mom that I want to move in with him. Why must everything be so difficult?
Also, I feel like everyone's going to deem me as a failure if I don't go to a 4 year college because I'm "smart." Honestly, I hate school and studying, and I'm not good at studying. Great, I can get A's and B's in high school, but these AP classes are almost kicking my butt! I don't even want to know what college is like.
When the counselor's came to our english classes to talk about college, he's like "oh well you'll all pick 4 year college because that where you're all going." Yes, I'm taking classes for college credit and one day I'd like to go there, but I honestly want to go to Xenon for makeup (and maybe hair?) before all of that. I feel like everyone is going to think less of me for it, or think I'm just wimping out. I don't know what I want to study in college and I don't want to spend all my money there before I figure it out. Plus, I LOVE makeup. It's something I want to do, no, maybe not forever, but for now.

Oh well, I'm done trying to please everyone, I'm doing things for me now.
Tomorrow I'll rant on people's misconceptions of serious relationships and love. Hooray.

Sorry, oh, sorry.

This past week and a half has been so terrible. I was pretty sick all of last week. Then we had to get rid of Brutus. I miss him so much, I keep doing stuff, thinking that we still have him, and it sucks. Last night was the first night I did not cry when I got into bed and today I haven't cried at all. It's getting better, even though I still miss him.<3
Then, on Saturday, a friend's dad died. It makes me so sad because I've known the whole family since I was very young, and although I hadn't seen him for a long time, it's too bad that such a great person who was always making me smile and laugh will no longer be around. Also, this friend and I used to be super close, definitely one of my best friends for a long time, and while we hadn't talked much in the past months, I just want to be there for him.
I'm planning on going to the funeral on Saturday because luckily it's before I have to work.
Not to mention, another friend I've had since middle school lost her dad about a week ago.

Everything's so sad lately. :(
and stressful. Ugh, I cannot wait to graduate.
This blog is so terribly worded and put-together. Goodnight.

Ps; I left my purse at school. Luckily, it was in the best class, and the teacher found it and so I'm going to get it tomorrow morning. Thank goodness! It had my whole life in there, except my cell phone luckily. Camera, cash, ipod, drivers license, debit card, reading glasses. I'd be so upset without it, it's been hard for just one night without my ipod especially.
Pps; Tomorrow I must start working out again. This whole bad week and a half have included zero minutes of working out, not good.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so scared. I'm scared that he thinks that we left him, and mostly afraid that he thinks we don't love him anymore, that we don't want him anymore.
I think I'm okay, the only thing that hurts is thinking about him. I wonder where he is right now, what he is doing, what he is thinking, and I'm just scared.
Damn it. I love you, Brutus. I want you back. :(
Please, please, please understand.

I miss you.

Ugh, so basically, I was freaking out on Friday because my mom had said that we were probably going to have to get rid of Brutus. But I held onto that tiny hope that we might not, and so I was okay. He's always being bad and when he gets something he's not supposed to he gets really aggressive - growling, barking, and just recently starting to bite at people when they try to get it away from him. It has gotten worse over the past few days, and we talked to someone from the Humane Society about it on Wednesday or Thursday, and she told us some stuff, but he was still getting worse. An aggression specialist was supposed to call either Friday night or sometime this weekend and of course, hasn't called. Last night while I was at Bekka's, he got something and they tied his leash to the railing - that's what we do for his time outs - and then when they got it away from him, he still kept barking and starting biting in random directions so my mom couldn't even come back in the house (she was in the garage and the railing was right by the door) and Ryan couldn't come upstairs. I guess I don't understand as well because I didn't see it, but they're both better at letting go than I am, I suppose, so they knew that's what we had to do.
So last night I slept downstairs with him, although he was still in the kennel, I was on the floor less than 10 feet away. And this morning I've just been crying a lot and petting him and giving him food he's not supposed to have and telling him I love him.
They left maybe 15 minutes ago to take him, I didn't go because I doubt I'm strong enough to hold myself together at the Humane Society.
I guess my mom's going to ask if they're going to euthanize him because really, unless someone who specializes in these sort of things really works with him, he's just going to keep doing it and getting worse.

I know it's for the better, but I hate it.
I miss you Brutus.

That's what you get when you let your heart win.

I will be avoiding the house for who knows how long. I don't want to be here now, and last night I really didn't want to. It will just be so empty and remind me of him. Hell, he was annoying and bad quite often, but still, I love him.
I don't even really want to write about this now. I'm not upset, I'm not crying and freaking out like last night, when I thought there might still be a possibility. I always do that! I always hold onto that one tiny strand of hope and it keeps me from being upset even though I know that it'll fall through, I can't bring myself to accept it. And then when I finally have to accept it, it just sucks!
So right now, I'm not accepting it. Although all that hope has been shattered my body and mind have failed to accept it, pushing it out, making me feel very blank, numb, as if I have no feeling at all.

I'll let everyone know what this is all about another day. But don't worry, I'll be okay.

EDIT// 12:02am: I really need to go to sleep, but I don't want to. Ryan and I are sleeping down here with Brutus, our last night with him. I started to cry a little, I'm sure it will only be worse tomorrow. I hope Ryan doesn't keep the tv on all night...

This love is hard but it's real.

Oh, check out my layout! I'm in love with it. (: The blending of the image isn't the best, but give me a break, I haven't done this for years! I used stylesheet coding from a few people to help me along with the coding, but of course, I credited them. If they see this still have a problem with me using their codes then I'll take it down.
Well, I have felt pretty terrible all day today. I woke up with a huge headache and a slightly sore throat. The headache didn't cease all day and the sore throat continued to get worse. I'd very much like to bail on school tomorrow but I know I need to go, not to mention that if I don't my mom won't let me hang out with Stephen! :(
I need to finish reading the government book as the test is tomorrow. Someone in another class said that they got a study day tomorrow, so I'm hoping we will get the same. I need to be more prepared, I have read a lot but I don't think that I comprehend and remember it as well as I need too. Honestly, the tests are so hard that I feel like I should just give up trying, but I really shouldn't do that.
Also, I'm really angry about my photography assignment! After 22 pictures the film would not advance so I figured that maybe there was a possibility that it would be done and tried to rewind it. It was really stubborn and making an odd noise so I stopped, and it let me take pictures again. This time though it didn't stop taking pictures, although I got up to 30 and it's only supposed to have 24. So again I tried to rewind the film and the same odd noise kept happening. I was really upset when I figured something was wrong because if we mess up an assignment we have to buy the film and re-do it. So I opened it up, which of course exposed my film, and saw that when I tried to rewind it that some part of the camera was ripping the little holes at the top of the film. I'm almost positive that I loaded the film right so I have no idea how this happened. I'm going to talk to my teacher about it and hopefully I won't have to buy the film because I honestly don't believe that it was my fault.
I watched the new Gossip Girl episode tonight and I loved it, although I was a bit confused since I missed so many episodes. I started watching it when it first came on but kept forgetting and so I'm a bit lost. Then I went to Bekka's to watch the new One Tree Hill, as is our tradition. It was so sad! We are such dorks for being so into a tv show, but hey, it's good!
Last night and today I have been obsessing over the Taylor Swift song Love Story. It's so adorable. (:
Can you tell that I'm putting off my government studying? Oh dear, I really hope we have a study day tomorrow and put the test off until Thursday.
Speaking of government, I'm thinking about signing up for dual enrollment at UNO. It's offered for my AP (Advanced Placement) government and english lit classes. You get three credit hours for each semester for $225 a semester. For both semesters it would be $450, which seems like a lot, but compared to the price to take it in college, it isn't so bad. Thing is, I don't know about it. I want to attend a four year college but I want to attend cosmetology school first. I'm sure that my credits will still be valid but I'm just afraid that they'll get messed up or something. I really need to talk to my school counselor, eek.

Can you feel this?

I really should finish reading chapter 4 of my government book, it's just really boring. I did good and read most of it so far, and I've got to read two more chapters, so one a night, because we've got a test on Tuesday. I'm pretty nervous because I did failed the last one. :| I'm thinking about dropping it at semester if I continue like this. I know I could be trying harder though...
Today work was... interesting. I worked from 12:30 to like 7:30. It got pretty busy in the afternoon and early evening was seriously busy, and then by closing time it had slowed down immensely. It was so weird because that's never happened before, at least when I was in main gift. Speaking of work, I used my new makeup - from a tiny haul at the MAC counter yesterday - to try a smokey eye sort of look. I don't know how it is for a smokey eye, but I was pretty happy with the way it turned out.

Products: Wet n Wild SunKissed creme e/s, MAC Carbon e/s, MAC Satin Taupe e/s, MAC Nanogold e/s, Lashblast mascara, Avon U02 eyeliner very black, Studio Fix powder/foundation N4.

Speaking of yesterday! :D I went to dinner with Ryan, Dad, and Chris (my dad's girlfriend) and we got Godfather's, which is my favorite food in the world, so I was pretty excited. I wanted to go to Dillards to look at homecoming dresses - and conveniently enough, the MAC counter is located there - and so I asked Audrey if she wanted to go with me. I was kind of nervous because we hadn't hung out before but it was really fun. The lady at Dillards was really nice and picked out a lot of dresses for me. I was really scared at first because they were not looking cute on the hangers, not AT ALL. She said to just try them on and even if I didn't like them that then we could at least see what size I needed. As I was trying them on though, they didn't look so bad, I liked them! This pink, strapless one was pretty much the one and so I got it. Wonderfully enough it was 70% off and ended up being only $86 plus tax. I'll post pictures of it later when I take some better ones.
Then we stopped at the MAC counter and I promised myself I wouldn't spend too much. I only got 3 things - Carbon e/s, Satin Taupe e/s, and Naughty Nautical nail polish. It was in the CoC display and I'm not sure why? I thought that the CoC nail color was more purple, and this one is more blue, but I thought maybe I was mistaken. How odd! :| Although I really like this color so it's no big deal.
We took pictures in a photo booth because she had never done that before and then I helped her picked out cute stuff at Wet Seal. We stopped at Wendy's because she was hungry and I had a strawberry shake. I accidentally went the wrong way, heading back towards the mall, so we had to turn around.
I was taking her home and we were going down 30th when I realized - Hey, my boyfriend's work is right there! So we snuck up on him. (: And his work friends were super lame about it. This girl thought I gave her a mean look, but really it was to the guy next to her. This guy thought my joking around with him was rude even though he was joking first? Whatever.
So I finally took Audrey home and my mom complained about how it shouldn't have taken so long and she was soo tired and wanted to go to bed at 8, it was almost 11 when I got home. She was really rude on the phone, practically hung up on me after she said I might be grounded. But I'm not grounded and it was fun. So all is well and this was a major long blog!
Here is Audrey and I's photo booth picture, goodnight.