You don't know, you don't even care.

I'm very surprised at how much easier this has been.
It hurts, yes, and well, I think maybe it doesn't hurt as bad because it doesn't feel real.
I hope things don't come crashing down and hurting more, I like it better just hurting but still wanting to move forward with my life.
I just get lonely a lot.
I don't know who to turn to...
the people I try to, I don't know. I think they'll be there for me but then they just... don't call back.
Hah, so I'm basically talking about one person, that I really want to be friends with, I just don't really know what's up? Whenever we plan to hang out or they say they'll call back, they don't.
It just bugs me. I think they want to be my friend, but I just don't get what the deal is.

Blah, I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
But yay for early outs, I guess. I'll probably just get bored and lonely. =/

"It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It never was or will be
I never had the chance to thank you
for ripping out my heart."

P.S. Ever since the first time I heard the song Boston by Augustana it has been the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I love it.<3

Just a loser with a broken heart...

Me & Stephen broke up.
I think it's for good this time.

I know I'm going to be okay,
but it hurts and it's scary and I just don't want to go through the whole hurt and healing process.

But, the way he's been since we got back together...
it wasn't the same. I think I know he wasn't the one for me.
I just wish he was so that I wouldn't have to hurt. :(

one step closer to the edge.

I haven't been grounded in a reallyyyy long time.
It feels so weird.
I wonder how long it'll be for.

Jeez, this is SO weird.
I really don't want to type out all the shit, but it's for a pretty stupid reason that's basically my fault.
It just sucks though?
I love how parents freak out on kids and scream at them, treat them like shit, & punish them.
I think that if my parents would just sit down and calmly talk to me about why they're mad, why it's not okay, etc it would be a LOT better. Especially since they were doing the same damn things when they were young?
Oh well. I don't have to stay here much longer, well, it might have to be another year still. :|
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to hurt my mom by leaving, or get in a huge fight with her, but it's bound to happen.
I just want to be happy with my life and get rid of all this crazy stress and hurt that she constantly causes me because she's stressed or hurt.
Blahhh. It's not fair.

P.S. I haven't blogged enough lately so this is for Audrey. (: Seriously, I wasn't even going to log onto blogger but I promised her I'd blog tonight. And it made me feel a little better, so thanks Audrey I love youuu!

I like a girl with caked-up makeup.

I made this layout forever ago, but I couldn't figure out how to get the comments to show up. Today I decided to mess around with it again and I fixed it! (: I'm not sure if I like the layout anymore though, I don't like how the entries and comments are set up I guess. Oh well... I'll change it one day.

I made my Christmas list today! I want gift cards and money mostly, for clothes and makeup of course! I also want one of those wool peacoats as well as those snowboarding boots I already posted and some thermals and pj pants from Victoria's Secret Pink collection.

Also, the CS 88 palette came to Stephen's house on Friday. I ended up having to stay after school to finish my page for newspaper and so he gave me a ride home and gave me the palette! I'm in love with it already. I used it to do a red/black makeup look that night when I went to see Twilight with Ryan, Suzi, & Johnny. Obviously the book was better, but I loved the movie! I wish they wouldn't have changed so many little details, but aside from that, for the time and budget they had, I think they did really well. I want to see it again! <3 I used it again to do this cute yellow/green look today. I have to give it back to Stephen on Tuesday though - so he can wrap it and give it to me for Christmas! :P He thought I was just going to use it for Friday but I couldn't help it today, I saw this pretty look on a Youtube video and I wanted to try it.

He had a bad night at work and so I went to his house for a little while this morning. Which of course caused my mom to to bitch about how our relationship is too serious and blahblahblah. I'm so tired of it, she's always complaining about shit and it's just rude and unnecessary. She's only happy if you do whatever she wants and if you don't, then you're "not even listening to her and you don't think she knows anything." Blah, I'm done with it. Anyway, we got doughnuts and chocolate milk at Bakers, it was yummy! I haven't had doughnuts in quite a long time.

Otherwise, I need a new job because I get no hours at the zoo. I'm not mad about it, the winter season is slow as hell, it's expected, but I need to work more than 4-6 hours a week so I can get some money in the bank!

And... I really want to write. I just want to write so bad, something beautiful. I just have no ideas of what to write about, like always. I fail. :|

Sick of school.

I just want to quit school and do makeup all the time.
That is truly all I want.
:|

Super excited!

I'm super excited, I order my 88 piece makeup palette today (the one I posted about two days ago.)
My mom was bitching at me telling me that I couldn't order it and that I shouldn't use Stephen's card, so Stephen told me to order it, have it shipped to his house, and it would be one of my Christmas presents. :) So I did! Hah.
I'm super excited to get it, EXCEPT, he said I have to wait until Christmas which is super unfair because I gave him one of his presents awhile ago. I'm going to try and convince him to give it to me earlier. :P

But now you've got to humor all these fools.

I'm back to one of Blogger's plain old templates because I was tired of that layout and I can't find any that I like.
I need to just cave and make one, but I just DO NOT want to code it. I hate coding. :( Haha.

I am still really freaking excited to order my Coastal Scents palette, which I will probably be doing on Tuesday. I need to cash my check on Tuesday as well.
Speaking of money, I really need to find a new job! I like mine, but it doesn't pay well and I only work about 6 hours a week... that's just not cutting it! I'd love to work somewhere that I could have outrageous hair colors, because I'm getting quite bored of my hair, but I still want to grow it out. There's always the option of dying it, but I've had a lot of colors. I'm tempted to go blonde, I mean, I really sort of want to, I'm just afraid of messing it up or just looking terrible.

Last winter I really wanted to learn to snowboard, but I never did. I still really want to and I think I'm going to try and make it happen this time! I saw these BEAUTIFUL snowboarding boots in cosmogirl! and well, I'm fersure putting them on my Christmas list. Speaking of that, my mom keeps telling me to make one, but every time I put stuff on there, people hardly get me anything off of it? :( Hah, oh well. I don't have many wants, just a lot of money for things like clothes and of course, makeup.<3

Oh yeah, check out the boots that I can not live without:



I hate the way I've been writing my blogs lately, it's very... sloppy.

I want you so much!

I keep going to Audrey's blog and being sad that she doesn't update every freaking day so that I have something to read, haha. Then it makes me feel like I shouldn't because I never blog anymore. :|

Anyway, I can't wait until Tuesday because that is when cute boyfriend will let me use his credit card to order makeup!



It's only $21.95 for 88 different colors, practically every color you'll ever need! I've heard that the colors are very pigmented (except maybe a few?) and that the quality is very good especially for the price. The only "bad" thing I've heard is that the shadows are only about the size of a dime, but since they color payoff is good, you don't have to use much, so you'll obviously get multiple uses out of it.
While I wish there was more product, I'm still pretty excited! I think it will definitely be worth the money. I've read tons of reviews and it sounds amazing.

The worst part will be waiting. :(

The world has it's shine.

Stephen came over yesterday and talked to me, we're back together and just taking it slow, hoping we can work past our differences. :)

Also, I weighed myself yesterday, and I weigh 147 - with my clothes on! Haha, so maybe even a little less than that? I'm excited because that means I've lost 10 1/2 lbs since the end of May. Sure, it's not a lot for the time span, but I was only working out over the summer. I really do need to start again. I feel like I've got my eating under control now. Ever since Thursday I've been pretty disgusted by fast food and and most junk food. I think that's part of it, but I'm not complaining, I've been dying for this kind of self control! Haha.

With you gone...

I'm just sitting here upset hoping that today he will call me.
I want to call him but I can't do that.
I just want him to call me and tell me that he loves me, and that he knows we can fix this.
I know we said we were trying, but I could've tried so much harder, and I WANT TO.

It sucks, sitting here wondering what he's doing, wondering if he's as upset as I am or if he misses me, I just want him to call and make this all disappear. I'm just setting myself because if he doesn't it's just gonna hurt more.
It already hurts enough.

This isn't right, I know this isn't right.
We were meant to be together damnit. :(

What the fuck? Is this even real?

This doesn't feel real.
What am I going to do?
He was my best friend.

:|

I'm going to Bekka's.

But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared.

High school is ridiculous.
Losing someone you thought was a good friend is ridiculous, especially when you don't know why.
I can honestly say that from the shit-hole that many called North High School, I have met one person that I would hate to live without. Most others will gladly be kicked to the curb on May 16th.

192 days.

PS: Who cares about the election, the Twilight soundtrack is released today! Hahah. Too bad I've got no money. Wait... I've got $12, so I think I can get it! :D I wonder if Target would have it... I'm about to go see.

PPS: Target didn't have it even though it was on their website. :( I guess I'll just wait until I get paid to hit up Hot Topic for the cd and lots of shirts/hoodies, haha.

I AM OBSESSED.

So... I finally finished Breaking Dawn, the final book in the Twilight series, maybe about an hour and a half ago. It was so wonderful! Although it has only put my Twilight obsession to a level it hasn't been before! I have been looking at Twilight stuff online for probably 40 minutes now, and it's only making me more and more anxious to see the movie.
I want to go get the soundtrack on Tuesday when it comes out, but I don't believe I have enough money, so will have to wait until I get my paycheck this weekend.
Another good thing coming from this mad obsession, is that finishing Breaking Dawn has made me want to write so much more! I think reading about Stephenie Meyer's inspiration for the books has also contributed. I really want to write, but I haven't a clue as to what to write about. She said that the story came to her in a dream, so I hope that I have some amazingly inspiring dreams tonight. ;)
Oddly enough, I wouldn't mind dreaming about Twilight tonight, haha. Even after reading the first three books, I could not understand everyone's obsession with wanting to be a vampire. But alas, after finishing BD, I think it would be pretty interesting. Haha, I feel like such a creep now! I think it has to do with my desire to have something as beautiful as Bella and Edward do. I hope one day Stephen and I's relationship can develop into something so timeless and beautiful.