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Friday, October 17, 2008

"This is not a cry for help, this is goodbye, I wish you well"

This is probably going to be an enormous post that won't capture how truly meaningful last night was, just so you know.

I'm too lazy/out of the mood to type out everything I felt before, when I first found out about Scott leaving this earth. So here it is, copied/pasted from myspace:
"I can't even believe this. Any of it.

I can't believe that you're gone. You were always so happy, it's just something that none of us expected. Every time I saw you, you were always smiling. It reminds me of that Blaine Larson song, "How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad, to make you make the call, that having no life at all, is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? How do you get that lonely and nobody knows?"
I remember physics last year, every day you came into class smiling and you would come and say hi to me. If I looked upset, you'd want to know what was wrong and you would try to make sure I was okay. You were always making us laugh, saying sweet and silly things, and you were always rappin like Lil Wayne. :)
And how you were taking all those silly pictures of yourself on my camera, and then you took two of me & you, and I looked absolutely terrible. So you said I could delete them if I wanted, and I did, only now I wish I hadn't.
And I can't believe how this affected me. We weren't that close, but it hurts. I think it's just that fact that even though I hadn't seen you much this year, even though I was okay without talking to you all the time, it's like now I know that I'll never see you again, now I'll never get to talk to you again. I just wish I could have been there for you with whatever you were going through. It's so weird just seeing that no one expected it, that no one knew what was going on. Maybe if you would have had someone there for you, this wouldn't have happened?
I don't want to believe that this is true. I just want to walk into school tomorrow and see you in the hallway.
I don't understand why you did this, but you're in a better place now and I hope they're treating you good up there.



R.I.P. Scott A. Tunstall Jr.
[11.24.90 - 10.11.08]
We miss & love you.<3"

I wish this had never happened, but it did and I'm okay with that.
Last night was the viewing, it was rough but I really do feel like it was something I needed to attend, and I think it really did help me to come to terms with what happened.
Audrey and I were supposed to hang out with Stephen but he was really tired, and had to work tonight, so he went to sleep instead. We really had nothing to do, so she asked if I wanted to go to this guy's shop. This amazing man is a barber, a minister, and a Christian rapper. And he's only 25! He wanted Audrey to design myspace layouts for his music and business pages, and since I love that stuff and wish I was better at it, I figured it would be fun.
He knew where we had come from, and in between talking about graphics and codes, we talked about life lessons and God and His plan for you. I felt like we were meant to go there last night and talk to him because I think it really helped us to get that final sense of closure. (:

Otherwise, I'm sorry that this blog sucked. Blogger deleted like half of my post even though I saved it as a draft last night, all of it must not have saved. I'm trying to get my writing talent back, but it's not working so well at the moment. :\

1 comments:

miss feedmekicks* said...

your blog doesn't suck. i love it. i feel good when i read your blogs. i like knowing what goes on with you. im glad to know that you enjoyed going because i really thought that you wouldnt want to go & i didnt want you to feel like u HAD to go.

but im glad we both enjoyed it & yeah- i did get a sense of closure. more than i could even imagine.

i love & absolutely adore you.