Don't criticize me...

I have a hard time admitting this. But I'm going to - right here, right now.

I have this serious desire to become a model.
I just want to lose weight so I can do this.
I honestly want to go somewhere... I don't even know where, and get some feedback, but I'm so afraid of rejection.
I'm so terrified that they'll laugh at me for honestly thinking I was pretty enough.
And right now, I know my body's not in it's best condition. I really need to get on track with my diet/exercise.

On another note, yesterday was Spooktacular, our Halloween event at my work, so instead of wearing my yucky uniform, I dressed up as a zebra. :D

I had a really amazing talk with Aerts today, and I might major in journalism at UNO.
But, if I do become a journalist, I'd like to write for a magazine and not a newspaper.

Otherwise, I've just been thinking about how all of these people that I used to be pretty good friends with earlier in high school, don't even talk to me anymore. It's kindof lame. Oh well.

PS: This week Satin Taupe and Star Violet have become my favorite eyeshadow combination. (:

The future is scary.

I hate school and I hate homework! It doesn't help that I'm such a procrastinator. Ah well, only... about 6 months... :| I simply cannot wait to graduate!

I'm going to suck at college.
But whatever, I'm officially going to do what I want with my future.
I'm going to attend Xenon for makeup and possibly hair, and I'll attend UNO part time alongside of that (for who knows what yet!)
I really want to be an author. But I have no inspiration lately. :(
Luckily though, I've got plenty of makeup inspiration and can't wait for tomorrow (minus school!) so I can come home and play with some makeup looks I want to try. :D Hooray!

"This is not a cry for help, this is goodbye, I wish you well"

This is probably going to be an enormous post that won't capture how truly meaningful last night was, just so you know.

I'm too lazy/out of the mood to type out everything I felt before, when I first found out about Scott leaving this earth. So here it is, copied/pasted from myspace:
"I can't even believe this. Any of it.

I can't believe that you're gone. You were always so happy, it's just something that none of us expected. Every time I saw you, you were always smiling. It reminds me of that Blaine Larson song, "How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad, to make you make the call, that having no life at all, is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? How do you get that lonely and nobody knows?"
I remember physics last year, every day you came into class smiling and you would come and say hi to me. If I looked upset, you'd want to know what was wrong and you would try to make sure I was okay. You were always making us laugh, saying sweet and silly things, and you were always rappin like Lil Wayne. :)
And how you were taking all those silly pictures of yourself on my camera, and then you took two of me & you, and I looked absolutely terrible. So you said I could delete them if I wanted, and I did, only now I wish I hadn't.
And I can't believe how this affected me. We weren't that close, but it hurts. I think it's just that fact that even though I hadn't seen you much this year, even though I was okay without talking to you all the time, it's like now I know that I'll never see you again, now I'll never get to talk to you again. I just wish I could have been there for you with whatever you were going through. It's so weird just seeing that no one expected it, that no one knew what was going on. Maybe if you would have had someone there for you, this wouldn't have happened?
I don't want to believe that this is true. I just want to walk into school tomorrow and see you in the hallway.
I don't understand why you did this, but you're in a better place now and I hope they're treating you good up there.



R.I.P. Scott A. Tunstall Jr.
[11.24.90 - 10.11.08]
We miss & love you.<3"

I wish this had never happened, but it did and I'm okay with that.
Last night was the viewing, it was rough but I really do feel like it was something I needed to attend, and I think it really did help me to come to terms with what happened.
Audrey and I were supposed to hang out with Stephen but he was really tired, and had to work tonight, so he went to sleep instead. We really had nothing to do, so she asked if I wanted to go to this guy's shop. This amazing man is a barber, a minister, and a Christian rapper. And he's only 25! He wanted Audrey to design myspace layouts for his music and business pages, and since I love that stuff and wish I was better at it, I figured it would be fun.
He knew where we had come from, and in between talking about graphics and codes, we talked about life lessons and God and His plan for you. I felt like we were meant to go there last night and talk to him because I think it really helped us to get that final sense of closure. (:

Otherwise, I'm sorry that this blog sucked. Blogger deleted like half of my post even though I saved it as a draft last night, all of it must not have saved. I'm trying to get my writing talent back, but it's not working so well at the moment. :\

Spiral curling iron love.

Well, I didn't make all my goals because I'm quite lazy and unmotivated, but better luck tomorrow, eh?
I did finish my newspaper article, work out for 20 minutes, and make more than one person smile. ;) Haha.

I got this new spiral curling iron from Sally today. I went in like really close to when they were closing and I hope it didn't annoy them because I didn't take long finding what I wanted and getting it. I also signed up for a Sally card, so hopefully they weren't annoyed by that either as I managed to make it out the door at 9 which is when they close. :| Anyway, I can't wait until tomorrow morning because I'm really excited about trying it out! I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

P.S. I did not cry today. :)

Goals for tomorrow...

I mean to type a blog about Scott, but not tonight, I need to think it all out first. I have cried every day since, for various reasons, and no reason at all.

Also, I have a lot of goals for tomorrow, mostly health-related:
- Drink all 8 cups of water.
- Eat healthy all day.
- Do one hour of cardio after school (and reward myself with a delicious piece of cheesecake, courtesy of Stephen!)
- Finish my depression article for newspaper.
- Make someone smile.

I think that's all for now...

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death amoung teenagers.

A friend of mine committed suicide on Saturday. We weren't very close, but obviously, I'm upset. It was something I would have never expected, especially from him.
Here are some interesting suicide and depression facts:

- 121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (The World Health Organization)

-18 million of these cases are happening in the United States. (The National Institute of Mental Health)

-Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than three times as likely to suffer from depression. (U.S. Surgeon General's Survey, 1999)

-Depression often co-occurs with anxiety disorders and substance abuse, with 30 percent of teens with depression also developing a substance abuse problem. (NIMH)

-2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.

- Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers. (NIMH)

- Depression does not discriminate across age, race, gender, or class.

- There are also as many as 8.3 percent of teens suffering from depression for at least a year at a time, compared to 5.3 percent of the general population.

- The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide, which represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000 or one death every 40 seconds. It is predicted that by 2020 the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds.

- Suicide rates within migrant communities such as African and East Asian Americans or the Black British community are, also of growing concern. Statistics show a rise but in some countries it can be difficult to calculate. For example, in the UK the place of birth is recorded on the death certificate, not ethnicity, therefore reducing data on suicides amongst minority groups.

I think I'm paranoid.

You know those girls who takes tons of pictures of themselves, and think they're super cute even though they're really not? Well, what if I'm one of those girls and I just don't know it?!
:O

They all want me, they all want me dead.

I got some new makeup remover tonight. I used to use the makeup remover pads from Almay, the purple ones, but found that I had trouble getting rid of a lot of the mascara and some of the eyeliner I wore. I now have the purple makeup remover from Almay, but in the bottle. I'm hoping this will be better? I've read some good things about it on specktra so I suppose I'll find out tonight.
I really want to see Nick & Nora's Infitnite Playlist. Stephen does too, so I'm going to ask if maybe he wants to go on Tuesday night. I just hope it's not as lame/disappointing as Juno was.

I plan to write some stuff about him and our relationship, but not in this post. Maybe tonight or tomorrow... who knows.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.

I'm really tired, and annoyed with just about everyone. I think it's time for bed.

But before that, I must mention one thing. I tried fake eyelashes for the second time today (while trying to come up with my Corpse Bride makeup for Halloween) and they turned out quite well! I didn't have much trouble getting them on, and none getting them off. (:
Check them out:
I used: (all MAC unless otherwise stated)
Blackground paint pot, Plumage e/s, Angel l/s, some neutral-ish lip liner from Avon, Studio Fix powder + foundation, Silver Dusk powder, Avon U2 black e/l, Covergirl lashblast mascara, and some false lashes that I got at Walgreens... I don't remember the brand.

(:
Goodnight.

What did you expect from me?

So I actually worked out tonight. (: I walked 10 minutes, ran 5, and did some different things to strengthen my arm muscles. So I didn't do all that much, but it's the first time I've worked out in probably two weeks.
I've just lost my drive. This always happens. I thought it wouldn't this time because that was the longest time I'd gone, just kept going and going, but of course, I stopped. And lately, I just feel like I've been getting fatter and fatter, especially my face and stomach, ugh.
So here's to starting over, and hoping things go well.
This is just the beginning, I'm sure I'll have to keep forcing myself because I just don't want to. Ugh, I can't explain it and it's really pissing me off.

I'm just so angry and stressed at this exact moment and I don't know why.
AJKGJKLGDLFHHDLHFGHKJAGDJFADLHVFLFJKF!

Dear God, I'm lost. I need you.<3