I don't fuckin' care anymore. (And I never did!)

I feel bad because I didn't blog yesterday which kind of ruins my whole "blog every other day" thing, but I honestly didn't have time.

Well, I broke up with Jared. I told him I still liked him, I just wasn't ready for a relationship yet.
I'm really not, it's way too soon. I'm still hurt over my last relationship, and I'm just all confused and scared and I really don't believe I can handle a relationship right now, or ever? =/ Also, I enjoy being single and flirting with cute boys. I like having my freedom and I feel happier being able to do whatever the hell I want.
Also, he's just way too... childish... for me. Like, he's a bit younger than me, but I don't know. Like we were laying on Bekka's couch and he was getting up, and he hand brushed across my boob, and he started laughing? Like I thought only 11 year old boys did that? Also, we were at a "party" last night - which I'm mad about because we were supposed to go to a movie and so I wasted money on a ticket and we didn't even go, ugh! - and he got really high. So I'm taking back to his house and he doesn't even TALK TO ME, he FALL ASLEEP. So when we get to Council Bluffs I wake him up because I don't know how to get to his house, and he still keeps falling asleep. We were almost there and he goes "Oh, I think this is the wrong street." Luckily it wasn't or I was going to hit this boy! I think I was partly mad because I knew my mom would be angry that I was getting home so late, and we had left late, so I was trying to hurry and he wasn't helping. Plus, it just seemed so pointless and childish of him to do that when he has to know how it would affect him? Oh, and then he gave me some fucked up directions home but luckily I ended up by the mall and knew how to get home from there.

Oh well, I'm too good for boys anyway :D Haha.

Let's play a love game.

Today after school I got to see Audrey. :D Like right when I saw her I couldn't stop smiling.
Ahahah, because I'm got a huge dyke crush on her. Just kidding, but I really miss seeing her at school, except it's okay because we're still going to be very good friends. I was excited because we looked at makeup and she got lots of hot stuff! She even bought me this mascara I've been wanting to try, even though SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE. She's sweet. :]
I went to dinner with my brother and dad at Burger King.
Then I went to this ghetto ass car wash! I get up there and find out that it doesn't take cards, only cash and doesn't give out change. Well I only has a $10 bill, so Bekka had to run in and get some change. After that we picked up Aramis and went to Council Bluffs to pick up my new boo. ;] When we took him back home I met his mom, grandma, and sisters. It was kind of weird, haha. But then it was fun because he walked me out to my car, Bekka and Aramis were in it, and we were just leaning on it being super silly. He's adorable. xD
And I was actually on time coming home, due to being effing scared because I'm always late and my mom gets mad, and some hardcore speeding. Aramis was scared, hah!

This was kind of a lame post... sorry.
I feel bad because I was going to do a workout video and then 30 minutes of cardio today, but I got busy and only did the video. =/

I sat here for 15 minutes trying to come up with a witty title, and failed.

So as always, MAC put me in a fabulous mood. :D The makeup artist that helped me was super nice and helpful, and I feel like I really got a lot for my money.
If anyone is interested, here's what I got:

Penultimate liner, Golden bronzing powder, Springsheen blush, Dame blush, Viva Glam V lipstick, 168 brush, Shroom e/s, Woodwinked e/s, Brun e/s, Vanilla e/s.
(These aren't in order of the picture, so if you've got a question, just ask!)

Today I went to Council Bluffs with Bekka and hung out with Tyler and Jared. It was fun, as always with those two. And this adorable boy named Jared asked me out. :] I'm really excited, but also really nervous, and looking forward to just taking it slow, getting to know him, and having fun.
I'm also looking forward to my early out on Thursday because I get to see my soulmate, Audrey! We shall definitely have to have a sleepover one night and spend all night talking about makeup and graphics. :P

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this.

I hate this feeling.
I wish you wouldn't have texted me, telling me all that stuff that you did. I wish you wouldn't have said that you think about me every day. I wish you hadn't made it seem like you missed me. Because ever since then I've been thinking about you more. I guess just hearing that made me feel like it was okay to think about you too. Except it's really not okay because it hurts. I wish that I didn't wake up this morning as lonely as ever after having a stupid dream about you. I wish that I would stop randomly remembering all the good times, and I wish that I didn't wish that this had never happened.
I'm tired of feeling this aching emptiness, this loneliness, every fucking minute of every day. But I don't know how to make it stop. =/

So tomorrow I'm going to take my Christmas money and go to MAC and buy some fabulous fucking makeup, I'm thinking some neutral eyeshadows and some lipsticks, maybe a blush or two... because that's what makes me feel better, that's what I get excited about. <3 The other day I was telling Jess about my Coastal Scents palette with the 88 colors of eyeshadow in it. I guess she told everyone else about it because today at work Dennis was making fun of me. He's all "Estee Lauder is jealous because they don't have as large a selection as you." Hahah. :]
Hopefully this shopping trip will put me in a better mood.
Also, today is the start of my working out for the year. I'm going to try and make it last all year this time. I'm doing a "New You Bootcamp" on http://teens.sparkpeople.com and today is the first day of that. I'm pretty excited about it.

Just keep swimming.

Today I got off work an hour and ninteen minutes early. :]
Ryan and I went to the Double Tree Hotel to go swimming with my dad, his girlfriend, and her family. It was kind of fun.
Then we tried cleaning off my windshield with water [there's no wiper fluid!] and it was freezing on the windsheild. And our hair was all wet and frozen too. Hahaha, omg. Then we stopped and got Godfathers like right before it closed, mmm.

I'm lonely all the time now.
I don't know how to fix it... =/

If you be my star, I'll be your sky.

I'm pretty sure that Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk is going to be my favorite song for the rest of my life, it's the sweetest, prettiest song I've ever heard.

I want to write a blog that's beautiful, and than can explain just how I'm feeling right now. Which means that this blog is probably going to end up sounding stupid, because I can never find the rights words to express myself, maybe because I don't even really know what I'm feeling or what my fucking problem is.

You know what? I don't know what to do with myself. I'm fucking scared and lost and most of all, lonely. I am lonely all the time, unless I'm with someone, and sometimes even when I'm with someone.
I haven't been with Stephen for just over a month now, but it's January 1st and things just feel weird. It's a new year, I'm starting this new year, one of the most important years of my life... without him. It's weird to think that he used to be my best friend and then one day, he was just gone. It's even weirder that it's been this easy. I don't cry every day, I don't wish he was with me every time I go somewhere, I'm not miserable every time I wake up in the morning.
That doesn't mean I don't miss him. Honestly, thank God that I'm not the horrible wreck that I was last time. But, it still hurts. I just keep thinking about the good times, and it's so weird to realize that that's gone.
He texted me on Tuesday, and I thought it would be okay. "I know we don't talk but if you would just tell me how you've been..." and so I figured it would be a perfectly fine conversation. But it didn't work out like that. We argued a little bit about the break up, and he made me feel bad when in all reality I shouldn't feel bad at all.
What really pissed me off is that he told me there were reasons that he broke up with me that I didn't know about. Okay, really? There was no need to say that unless you planned on telling me. Not that it would matter, since we're not together, we're not getting back together, so why the fuck would you even say that? Why would you tell me that you cry every night unless you're drunk?
Why the fuck should I feel bad about that? You broke up with me! You told me you didn't know if you loved me anymore, you told me that you were unhappy with our relationship. And NOW you want to try and turn your stories around and sit here acting like you're so devastated to not be with me when you're the one who broke my fucking heart?
Fuck that! I'm so mad about it... still. I guess I thought maybe if we talked about it, I would get a sense of closure. I still don't know what to say when people ask why we broke up, because I kind of don't know why. But apparently Stephen can't handle talking to me and telling me, and I'm okay with that. I don't plan on talking to him again because I shouldn't have to continue going through this. There is no need for me to jump into my car after work and bawl my eyes out the entire drive home because I was reminded of what was and what will never be again.
I can do this. I know I can. It just hurts, and I'm lonely, and it's weird going back into this world where boys think it's okay to use me.
It's like I want to be in a relationship, but then I don't because I don't feel like it will work, so there's no point? =/
I definitely think I need to move on before I get into a relationship though.

Enough about that.
Last night was really nice, and made me adore this lady named Audrey even more than I already did. I picked up Bekka, David, and Audrey and drove around forever, getting all sorts of lost trying to find Suzi's grandma's house. We finally got there and had this delicious pizza that my fat ass is major craving right now. Of course, I got lost on the way home too. It was out in the country, lots of dirt roads and trees, so everyone was getting scared and it was pretty hilarious to be honest.
Anyway, last night, it was almost midnight and Audrey and I were in Walmart to use the bathroom. We were really about to spend new years in a Walmart bathroom, and I decided that was definitely not okay. So at 11:59 we start running, because we HAVE to be outside. We're almost out the door and this old lady is all "NO RUNNING, YOU'LL FALL." Ahaha, it was SO funny. We get outside and it's still 11:59. Then I'm staring at my phone, waiting for it to say 12:00AM and when it does I'm doing this weird sort of dance and yelling with Audrey. :]
Then this creeper driving through the parking lot almost breaks his neck because his eyes wouldn't stop looking at Audrey and I. We walk past him on our way back to my car and he's just looking at us, cheesin' super hard. So I tell him happy new year and he doesn't even stop grinning to say "you too!" I think Audrey might leave me for him, to be honest. ;]
We then had our first Burger King of the year - I had a hamburger with no pickle and a vanilla milkshake.
Yum.
So basically, I don't know why, but I felt like I got closer to Audrey last night and I love it! I'm going to miss seeing her at school but it's going to be okay because I love her and we're gonna be super tight friends and hang out way more. <3

one one oh nine!

First post of the new year! :]
I'm determined to make this year a good one.
I've got some pretty amazing friends, and I'm really excited about trying to spend a lot more time with them.

Here are my new years resolutions:
- Move on, let go.
- Get down to 140 by prom (aka lose about 7 lbs.)
- Get into cosmetology school.
- Work out 5 days a week.
- Blog at least every other day.

I'm really terrified about the first one to be honest. =/
I am excited for the new year, but honestly, I'm really scared too.
It's really going to be different...