What the fuck? Is this even real?

This doesn't feel real.
What am I going to do?
He was my best friend.

:|

I'm going to Bekka's.

But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared.

High school is ridiculous.
Losing someone you thought was a good friend is ridiculous, especially when you don't know why.
I can honestly say that from the shit-hole that many called North High School, I have met one person that I would hate to live without. Most others will gladly be kicked to the curb on May 16th.

192 days.

PS: Who cares about the election, the Twilight soundtrack is released today! Hahah. Too bad I've got no money. Wait... I've got $12, so I think I can get it! :D I wonder if Target would have it... I'm about to go see.

PPS: Target didn't have it even though it was on their website. :( I guess I'll just wait until I get paid to hit up Hot Topic for the cd and lots of shirts/hoodies, haha.

I AM OBSESSED.

So... I finally finished Breaking Dawn, the final book in the Twilight series, maybe about an hour and a half ago. It was so wonderful! Although it has only put my Twilight obsession to a level it hasn't been before! I have been looking at Twilight stuff online for probably 40 minutes now, and it's only making me more and more anxious to see the movie.
I want to go get the soundtrack on Tuesday when it comes out, but I don't believe I have enough money, so will have to wait until I get my paycheck this weekend.
Another good thing coming from this mad obsession, is that finishing Breaking Dawn has made me want to write so much more! I think reading about Stephenie Meyer's inspiration for the books has also contributed. I really want to write, but I haven't a clue as to what to write about. She said that the story came to her in a dream, so I hope that I have some amazingly inspiring dreams tonight. ;)
Oddly enough, I wouldn't mind dreaming about Twilight tonight, haha. Even after reading the first three books, I could not understand everyone's obsession with wanting to be a vampire. But alas, after finishing BD, I think it would be pretty interesting. Haha, I feel like such a creep now! I think it has to do with my desire to have something as beautiful as Bella and Edward do. I hope one day Stephen and I's relationship can develop into something so timeless and beautiful.

Don't criticize me...

I have a hard time admitting this. But I'm going to - right here, right now.

I have this serious desire to become a model.
I just want to lose weight so I can do this.
I honestly want to go somewhere... I don't even know where, and get some feedback, but I'm so afraid of rejection.
I'm so terrified that they'll laugh at me for honestly thinking I was pretty enough.
And right now, I know my body's not in it's best condition. I really need to get on track with my diet/exercise.

On another note, yesterday was Spooktacular, our Halloween event at my work, so instead of wearing my yucky uniform, I dressed up as a zebra. :D

I had a really amazing talk with Aerts today, and I might major in journalism at UNO.
But, if I do become a journalist, I'd like to write for a magazine and not a newspaper.

Otherwise, I've just been thinking about how all of these people that I used to be pretty good friends with earlier in high school, don't even talk to me anymore. It's kindof lame. Oh well.

PS: This week Satin Taupe and Star Violet have become my favorite eyeshadow combination. (:

The future is scary.

I hate school and I hate homework! It doesn't help that I'm such a procrastinator. Ah well, only... about 6 months... :| I simply cannot wait to graduate!

I'm going to suck at college.
But whatever, I'm officially going to do what I want with my future.
I'm going to attend Xenon for makeup and possibly hair, and I'll attend UNO part time alongside of that (for who knows what yet!)
I really want to be an author. But I have no inspiration lately. :(
Luckily though, I've got plenty of makeup inspiration and can't wait for tomorrow (minus school!) so I can come home and play with some makeup looks I want to try. :D Hooray!

"This is not a cry for help, this is goodbye, I wish you well"

This is probably going to be an enormous post that won't capture how truly meaningful last night was, just so you know.

I'm too lazy/out of the mood to type out everything I felt before, when I first found out about Scott leaving this earth. So here it is, copied/pasted from myspace:
"I can't even believe this. Any of it.

I can't believe that you're gone. You were always so happy, it's just something that none of us expected. Every time I saw you, you were always smiling. It reminds me of that Blaine Larson song, "How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad, to make you make the call, that having no life at all, is better than the life that you had. How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? How do you get that lonely and nobody knows?"
I remember physics last year, every day you came into class smiling and you would come and say hi to me. If I looked upset, you'd want to know what was wrong and you would try to make sure I was okay. You were always making us laugh, saying sweet and silly things, and you were always rappin like Lil Wayne. :)
And how you were taking all those silly pictures of yourself on my camera, and then you took two of me & you, and I looked absolutely terrible. So you said I could delete them if I wanted, and I did, only now I wish I hadn't.
And I can't believe how this affected me. We weren't that close, but it hurts. I think it's just that fact that even though I hadn't seen you much this year, even though I was okay without talking to you all the time, it's like now I know that I'll never see you again, now I'll never get to talk to you again. I just wish I could have been there for you with whatever you were going through. It's so weird just seeing that no one expected it, that no one knew what was going on. Maybe if you would have had someone there for you, this wouldn't have happened?
I don't want to believe that this is true. I just want to walk into school tomorrow and see you in the hallway.
I don't understand why you did this, but you're in a better place now and I hope they're treating you good up there.



R.I.P. Scott A. Tunstall Jr.
[11.24.90 - 10.11.08]
We miss & love you.<3"

I wish this had never happened, but it did and I'm okay with that.
Last night was the viewing, it was rough but I really do feel like it was something I needed to attend, and I think it really did help me to come to terms with what happened.
Audrey and I were supposed to hang out with Stephen but he was really tired, and had to work tonight, so he went to sleep instead. We really had nothing to do, so she asked if I wanted to go to this guy's shop. This amazing man is a barber, a minister, and a Christian rapper. And he's only 25! He wanted Audrey to design myspace layouts for his music and business pages, and since I love that stuff and wish I was better at it, I figured it would be fun.
He knew where we had come from, and in between talking about graphics and codes, we talked about life lessons and God and His plan for you. I felt like we were meant to go there last night and talk to him because I think it really helped us to get that final sense of closure. (:

Otherwise, I'm sorry that this blog sucked. Blogger deleted like half of my post even though I saved it as a draft last night, all of it must not have saved. I'm trying to get my writing talent back, but it's not working so well at the moment. :\