Guess who's back, back again?

I kindof want to get back into blogging.

First off, I really need a new layout because this one is boring the hell out of me, lol. Maybe I'll work on that tomorrow. I need to go to bed because I've got to work in the morning.

Everything else that I type feels like it isn't worded the right way.

I think I'm just being a weirdo, but I'll figure it out tomorrow.

Goodnight.

I love you.

Once in awhile I look at myself and realize how naive I am.
No matter how hardened I think my heart has become, no matter how tough and knowledgeable I think I've become... every time I step back, I realize I am still the same naive girl who thinks she doesn't trust anyone, but really does just an ounce too much. The same naive girl who believes she has become lonely and bitter, but it still just as big-hearted as ever.
I love people, I trust people. Unknowingly. Without effort.
I both pride myself in that and hate myself for it.

Motivated.

Goals for...the future?

Learn to love myself.
Healthy healthy healthy. What else is new?
Do extra well in school.

I'm motivated.
A little unsure of how to achieve the first... but we'll work with it.

I'm all for love.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Maybe it's just today, maybe it will pass.
I hope so. I'm just really unhappy with myself, my life lately.

The way I look.
My body is just... ugh.
I can't stand looking in the mirror, I hate every outfit I try on because nothing looks good on me.
My face is constantly breaking out. Not bad. But it still looks like shit.

My social life.
I hang out with my boyfriend... that's it.
I'm not complaining because I love him, I love spending time with him... but, I just wish I had girl friends. Me saying that won't change anything though, you don't just choose good friends. You find them, and so far I haven't found any.
Speaking of my boyfriend, I like him... a lot. I get really paranoid and I feel like he's getting bored of me, or that he's doing stuff without me knowing. I'm constantly thinking that he doesn't feel me as much as I feel him and that scares the shit out of me. I think I'm just fooling myself, I think I'm so used to not trusting people and not getting comfortable with a person. I'm getting comfortable with him and that scares the living shit out of me.
Last time I thought a boy was different, last time I got comfortable and truly believed I wouldn't get my heart broken... well, that didn't work out. I guess I'm just waiting for this one to be the same. But I don't want it to. I really don't.

I'm really pretty nervous about starting school. My mom got me a laptop as a graduation/birthday present. I love it, and I definitely feel like it will come in handy with schoolwork. I'm terrified that the work is going to be hard, so hard. What if I fail a test? I can't do that. But I HATE studying. I know it's going to be tough, but I don't want it to be... haha.
I'm not sure what I want to major in. Journalism is my declared major as of now, and I'm even going to try writing for my college's newspaper and see if I like it. I'm still not sure if I can do it as a career though. I'm kinda thinking of a career involving sports medicine... but I don't know, I'm sure that idea will pass as well.

Maybe it's like I'm used to being lonely. Maybe I don't know how to be happy.
I think I psyche myself out, like I'm subconsciously preventing myself from being happy.
I've got a family who cares about me, a job, a car, a bed, a roof over my head, a boy who loves me... and I'm complaining?

Basically, this blog really sucked and I hate it so much I wasn't even going to post it. But maybe one day I'll want to look back on it...

By the way, All For Love by Serena Ryder is stuck in my head right now. It's good, listen to it.

Never gonna get it right.

I really wish I had girl friends.
Scratch that, although it's what I once would have said, now I just wish I had friends.
It's nice to have girls that you're super close to, something I haven't really had for a long time. Well, I've got Bekka, but sometimes she drives me crazy and it's nice to have a different perspective... I don't know.
I guess all the guys I thought I was close to were really just trying to get with me. Lately I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to hang with... maybe no one I feel comfortable hanging out with.
I want to go swimming today but I bet I look like trash in my swimsuit, don't want to pay to get in the public pool, and don't have anyone to go with me anyway.

Oh well, I need to clean anyway.
I guess I'll just do that and maybe go shopping... or wait until dinner with my dad.
Speaking of my dad, sometimes I feel like he's the only one who cares about me. Now I know for a fact that's not true, I just know that he loves me a lot, and it sucks because we haven't been close for years and I just don't know how to achieve that closeness to him... but I want to. I just don't feel like we ever will. =/

:)

Last night, about 1am, a boy told me he loved me.
I love him too. (:

I woke up about 7am today, don't know why.
I got two new workout DVDs this week - Billy Blanks Ultimate Tae Bo and Jillian Michaels Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism.
They're both amazing.
I just really need to clean up my diet.

Don't you know who I think I am?

I jotted this down on the 8th.
It's something, I guess.
And when I say "you" I'm not talking about anyone in particular...until the end. But along with talking about someone else, I'm kind of talking about myself to? I don't know... weird.

What makes us act the way we do? Why does that change depending on who we're with and what we're doing? You can seem like a completely different person each time you're with a different friend.
Which one is the real you? Or is it all you? Maybe you just can't figure out how to put it all together, to combine every side of yourself into one. Is that even possible? Should it be? Maybe not.
Are you trying to be something you're not? Or is that the real you? What about the you I knew? The you I know? I don't know who you are. Do you?

You know, they all pretend.

You know what really pisses me off?
Not feeling good enough. Not feeling good enough because people act like you're not good enough.
I'm offended that all these loser guys think so low of me, think that I'm really going to hook up with them because they said "hey, let's fuck!", that they honestly get mad/offended/whatever when I'm like "oh wow, no thanks" or "hey, you're a douchebag!"
I think it's funny how someone will talk to me, and when they figure out that I'm over them or that I'm simply not interested to begin with, they just throw me away. Or they flip out on me and then stop talking to me. Really? It kind of blows realizing that people don't think you're good for anything but an easy fuck.
I'm not even sure why people think this of me? I don't throw myself all over guys, I don't walk around in tiny clothes lookin' like a skank, whatever whatever whatever.
Except as much as it hurts, having people practically tell you that you're not good enough to love... I hate it even more when a dude pretends to like you, and goes to all that trouble just to end up like every other asshole who tried to play you.

Funny thing is, this blog has nothing to do with now.
No guy is treating me like this right at this moment.
I should probably stop thinking about the past.
I just wanted to let all you assholes know, that whatever fucked up impression you got of me player, it was WRONG. You keep pretending I'm not good enough, because in reality, I'm too good for you.


Fuck, this blog was really gay. Bye. :]

Let's burn our dreams into the skyline.

Alright, I had a very good weekend. (:
On Saturday I graduated high school, and wow... it felt AMAZING.
I kindof feel like it hit me, but now I'm back to not even feeling like I'll never be in high school again. Haha, weird right?
Sunday was my party, and I felt like a decent amount of people showed up. I felt like it was probably kind of boring for the people who came, but I had fun, and since it's my party I'm gonna be a little selfish and say that's all that matters. ;P
Last night I spent the night with Troy. He's kindof my favorite. I can't stop thinking about him... FUCK. Like, it freaks me out a little. I don't want to fall too hard, make an ass of myself, & get my heart broken. But I don't know, things feel pretty perfect right now. :D

I've been thinking about death a lot lately...
I mean, this past weekend was a pretty big part of my life, and it just makes me think of how some people weren't there.
Like, one day a person is here, and the next they aren't.
You don't get to say goodbye, and you look back realizing that even though you spent tons of time with someone, you never in your whole life were able to let them know how much they mean to you. It really sucks.
I should go visit my grandparent's graves soon.
We used to go, but my mom doesn't anymore. I don't know, that's her business.
But I'd like to go. I just don't really want to go alone. Except... I don't want to go with anyone.
It's been awhile, but I'm pretty sure I'll be a mess. Ha. =/

I miss you.

Making this quick, so I can go get ready for my grad party.
I'll blog about that and graduation later.. I just need to get this off my chest.

So all of a sudden, like seriously out of nowhere, it JUST hit me that my grandparents weren't there to see me graduate.
I was just all of a sudden thinking about how they died, and I was like "Man, I really wish they could come to my party today."
And it all hit me, and damn, it really blows, ya know? =/
I feel like a bad person because I didn't think about this yesterday when I was graduating.
Like I even thought about Scott and felt sad, but didn't remember my own grandparents? Wow.

I don't know, this blog isn't conveying my emotion very well, so I'm stopping.

Take the white pill, you'll feel alright.

Alright, I'm pretty proud of myself right now.
I'm sick and it pretty much blows, I'm really hoping that I get better before this weekend. I don't want to be sick at graduation or my party!
But anyways, if you know me, you know that I have a MAJOR problem with swallowing pills.
I've got an awful gag reflex and my mind just psyches me out and I just. can't. do. it.
But I'm trying to get better ASAP, so I took a [chewable] vitamin, and rummaged through the medicine cabinet for some cold medicine.
I found something prescribed to my mom forever ago. I don't know what it is, but I remember taking it before when I was sick, not knowing what it was then. Ahaha, so I'm not sure if I should take it.
But I figured, hey, I used to be able to swallow Sudafed, they're tiny. Why not try?
Weird right? I used to be able to swallow pills, then I couldn't.
But I tried, and it didn't go down the first time, but I drank a couple more gulps of water and IT DID.
I swallowed it! :D
Oh gosh, I swallowed a tiny pill at age 17 and I'm excited about it. How lame is this? That was a rhetorical question, btw. ;P

talk shit talk shit talk shit.

I think it's so weird when I come upon people hearing shit about me that obviously isn't true.
It's weird to think about how many people have heard and believed this, without me even knowing about it.
It's not a big deal, I'm not mad about it, hell, I think it's funny... it's just weird to think about.

I find it hilarious that my ex and his friends have nothing better to do than sit around and talk shit about me, and to spread all this ridiculous bullshit.
Boy, stop telling people I cheated on you when you know that's a god damn lie.
I guess you forgot about how close we were.
I still have your Blockbuster card and your credit card is still saved on my MAC account.
You know how much better buying makeup makes me feel... ;]

Except honestly, I wouldn't do that. I'd feel bad, I guess.
Oh well, keep talking boy, funny how you've gotta lie to get people to feel sorry for you.
And where's your life going again?

Got a secret, can you keep it?

I've always loved PostSecret, but I usually forget to check it.
It makes me really sad that I can't go back and read the ones that I've missed. :(
There's a spin-off called LJsecret that I regularly check too.
Sometimes I save the secrets that I can relate to, here's a few I found on my computer, I suppose most of them are still pretty relevant.

Where did I go wrong?

I am not content with life.
but, I don't know what I want.

I really want to blog more.
I NEED to blog more.
At the moment, I don't have the time.

Let me finish the shit ton of homework I have and figure my life out after Friday. :|

I can't feel anything

I hit a deer tonight.
A little after nine.
I'm fine, physically.
It's dead, physically.
My car is fucked, still drives fine.
But the left front and side is pretty fucked.
I'll have to fix it, can't drive without a headlight,
wonder where I'll find the money for that.

My mom talked to my dad, but she said I had to call him.
He was drunk.
He sounded stupid, and wasn't mean, just slightly rude about everything.
Alcoholic piece of shit.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I had pretty much forgotten about all his shit, pretty much forgiven it, ya know?
Until tonight when I realized how worthless he is.
I guess I'm just mad, I'll feel awful for calling him worthless in a few days.
But really? I don't even have to words for this.
It's like a numb, empty hurt.
Realizing your father is always going to be a jerk,
and the people you think are your friends are only fucking you over.

Give me your arms for the broken-hearted.

I totally forgot today was the 3oh!3 concert until I saw someone post a bulletin about it.
Now I'm sad that missed seeing them, and especially The Maine. :( I love them.
Oh well, I hung out with Tyler and it was super fun.<33

Mainly, I just posted this to get something off my chest though.
I see a lot of my friends in these tough, dramatic relationships. They're just in high school or college but they're putting themselves through these awful relationships because they think this person is their soulmate. I mean, I understand not everything is easy, but I don't understand.
If your relationship sucks that bad, especially at such a young age, why are you still in it? Why would you still want to deal with that?
I would just try to move on. I'd rather be happy. Nothing lasts forever.

Girls Next Door.

I need to remember to catch Girls Next Door finale on Sunday at 9. I've missed a ton of episodes over the years, but I've really come to love Holly, Bridget and Kendra and I'll miss watching the show. Apparently there will be a new season with the new girls, but I'm not sure how interested I'll be.

Honestly, I think these girls are absolutely adorable. They're gorgeous, intelligent, and are all accomplishing so much. They're inspiring.
I want to make a Girls Next Door layout. xD Maybe I'll try that tonight!

Frustrated, disgusted, unmotivated...

On top of stress about college and scholarships, I haven't been eating healthy or working out, and I've been eating more. I don't know if it's out of stress or boredom or what.
But honestly, the past few days I have felt so disgusted with myself. It's not even that I look in the mirror and get disgusted... usually. I just feel fat. My stomach just FEELS huge and I just want to run a million miles, except I still have NO motivation to exercise.

Bahh, I'm so frustrated right now. =/
Like I can't even explain how much I hate myself right now.

You're so nice & you're so smart.

First of all, Audrey posted this video and everyone needs to watch it. It honestly inspired me so much and gave me hope that maybe this world isn't such a terrible place, which is lately how I've been feeling.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about the point of life. I don't understand why people spend their entire lives going to school and working. Well, I do, because you need it to make money and you need money to survive... but it all seems so pointless. I just want to know what the point in having all these people doing these silly little things on this planet is? I want to know what we're supposed to be doing.
I've always felt like I've had to make a difference. I will never be content with being one of those people who can work at McDonalds all my life and be content with that. I probably won't be content with any "normal" job, to be honest.
A lot of people tell me I'm nice, some people tell me I'm one of the sweetest/nicest people they've ever met. Honestly, I love that. It makes me feel good and I want to be that person, I want people to think of me as that way.
I guess tonight I just realized that although I do consider myself to be a very nice person, that isn't good enough. Sometimes the way I treat people, especially the people I care about, is something I'm definitely not proud of.
So as of tonight, I'm determined to change. I want to be known as that super sweet girl who will do anything for anyone, even someone she has just met.
I just don't want people to get it confused with a girl who is easily taken advantage of. I've been down that road, and I'm sure some people still think that.
I'm not sure how to balance the two quite yet.

All I ever think about is you.

I miss blogging but I feel like I never have anything to say worth reading.

I'd love to have a fashion or beauty blog but there are so many out there already. I feel like I don't have anything new or exciting to contribute to that world, so I'll stick to my boring blogs that no one reads. :P
I still owe my mom $113, plus $20 for texting this month. I still have NO money saved for prom which is in about two months. :| I'm super stressed.
Also, MAC's new Hello Kitty collection looks gorgeous. It was something I was really looking forward to, but I have no money for any of it. :( Bahhhh.

I need to go make Valentine cards. I'll feel bad if I don't at least give my mom a card, and I want to make one for Stephen too since I've got no money and he's making me dinner. Maybe it will cheer him up, I'm worried about him lately.