Guess who's back, back again?

I kindof want to get back into blogging.

First off, I really need a new layout because this one is boring the hell out of me, lol. Maybe I'll work on that tomorrow. I need to go to bed because I've got to work in the morning.

Everything else that I type feels like it isn't worded the right way.

I think I'm just being a weirdo, but I'll figure it out tomorrow.

Goodnight.

I love you.

Once in awhile I look at myself and realize how naive I am.
No matter how hardened I think my heart has become, no matter how tough and knowledgeable I think I've become... every time I step back, I realize I am still the same naive girl who thinks she doesn't trust anyone, but really does just an ounce too much. The same naive girl who believes she has become lonely and bitter, but it still just as big-hearted as ever.
I love people, I trust people. Unknowingly. Without effort.
I both pride myself in that and hate myself for it.

Motivated.

Goals for...the future?

Learn to love myself.
Healthy healthy healthy. What else is new?
Do extra well in school.

I'm motivated.
A little unsure of how to achieve the first... but we'll work with it.

I'm all for love.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Maybe it's just today, maybe it will pass.
I hope so. I'm just really unhappy with myself, my life lately.

The way I look.
My body is just... ugh.
I can't stand looking in the mirror, I hate every outfit I try on because nothing looks good on me.
My face is constantly breaking out. Not bad. But it still looks like shit.

My social life.
I hang out with my boyfriend... that's it.
I'm not complaining because I love him, I love spending time with him... but, I just wish I had girl friends. Me saying that won't change anything though, you don't just choose good friends. You find them, and so far I haven't found any.
Speaking of my boyfriend, I like him... a lot. I get really paranoid and I feel like he's getting bored of me, or that he's doing stuff without me knowing. I'm constantly thinking that he doesn't feel me as much as I feel him and that scares the shit out of me. I think I'm just fooling myself, I think I'm so used to not trusting people and not getting comfortable with a person. I'm getting comfortable with him and that scares the living shit out of me.
Last time I thought a boy was different, last time I got comfortable and truly believed I wouldn't get my heart broken... well, that didn't work out. I guess I'm just waiting for this one to be the same. But I don't want it to. I really don't.

I'm really pretty nervous about starting school. My mom got me a laptop as a graduation/birthday present. I love it, and I definitely feel like it will come in handy with schoolwork. I'm terrified that the work is going to be hard, so hard. What if I fail a test? I can't do that. But I HATE studying. I know it's going to be tough, but I don't want it to be... haha.
I'm not sure what I want to major in. Journalism is my declared major as of now, and I'm even going to try writing for my college's newspaper and see if I like it. I'm still not sure if I can do it as a career though. I'm kinda thinking of a career involving sports medicine... but I don't know, I'm sure that idea will pass as well.

Maybe it's like I'm used to being lonely. Maybe I don't know how to be happy.
I think I psyche myself out, like I'm subconsciously preventing myself from being happy.
I've got a family who cares about me, a job, a car, a bed, a roof over my head, a boy who loves me... and I'm complaining?

Basically, this blog really sucked and I hate it so much I wasn't even going to post it. But maybe one day I'll want to look back on it...

By the way, All For Love by Serena Ryder is stuck in my head right now. It's good, listen to it.

Never gonna get it right.

I really wish I had girl friends.
Scratch that, although it's what I once would have said, now I just wish I had friends.
It's nice to have girls that you're super close to, something I haven't really had for a long time. Well, I've got Bekka, but sometimes she drives me crazy and it's nice to have a different perspective... I don't know.
I guess all the guys I thought I was close to were really just trying to get with me. Lately I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to hang with... maybe no one I feel comfortable hanging out with.
I want to go swimming today but I bet I look like trash in my swimsuit, don't want to pay to get in the public pool, and don't have anyone to go with me anyway.

Oh well, I need to clean anyway.
I guess I'll just do that and maybe go shopping... or wait until dinner with my dad.
Speaking of my dad, sometimes I feel like he's the only one who cares about me. Now I know for a fact that's not true, I just know that he loves me a lot, and it sucks because we haven't been close for years and I just don't know how to achieve that closeness to him... but I want to. I just don't feel like we ever will. =/

:)

Last night, about 1am, a boy told me he loved me.
I love him too. (:

I woke up about 7am today, don't know why.
I got two new workout DVDs this week - Billy Blanks Ultimate Tae Bo and Jillian Michaels Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism.
They're both amazing.
I just really need to clean up my diet.

Don't you know who I think I am?

I jotted this down on the 8th.
It's something, I guess.
And when I say "you" I'm not talking about anyone in particular...until the end. But along with talking about someone else, I'm kind of talking about myself to? I don't know... weird.

What makes us act the way we do? Why does that change depending on who we're with and what we're doing? You can seem like a completely different person each time you're with a different friend.
Which one is the real you? Or is it all you? Maybe you just can't figure out how to put it all together, to combine every side of yourself into one. Is that even possible? Should it be? Maybe not.
Are you trying to be something you're not? Or is that the real you? What about the you I knew? The you I know? I don't know who you are. Do you?