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Monday, August 3, 2009

I'm all for love.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Maybe it's just today, maybe it will pass.
I hope so. I'm just really unhappy with myself, my life lately.

The way I look.
My body is just... ugh.
I can't stand looking in the mirror, I hate every outfit I try on because nothing looks good on me.
My face is constantly breaking out. Not bad. But it still looks like shit.

My social life.
I hang out with my boyfriend... that's it.
I'm not complaining because I love him, I love spending time with him... but, I just wish I had girl friends. Me saying that won't change anything though, you don't just choose good friends. You find them, and so far I haven't found any.
Speaking of my boyfriend, I like him... a lot. I get really paranoid and I feel like he's getting bored of me, or that he's doing stuff without me knowing. I'm constantly thinking that he doesn't feel me as much as I feel him and that scares the shit out of me. I think I'm just fooling myself, I think I'm so used to not trusting people and not getting comfortable with a person. I'm getting comfortable with him and that scares the living shit out of me.
Last time I thought a boy was different, last time I got comfortable and truly believed I wouldn't get my heart broken... well, that didn't work out. I guess I'm just waiting for this one to be the same. But I don't want it to. I really don't.

I'm really pretty nervous about starting school. My mom got me a laptop as a graduation/birthday present. I love it, and I definitely feel like it will come in handy with schoolwork. I'm terrified that the work is going to be hard, so hard. What if I fail a test? I can't do that. But I HATE studying. I know it's going to be tough, but I don't want it to be... haha.
I'm not sure what I want to major in. Journalism is my declared major as of now, and I'm even going to try writing for my college's newspaper and see if I like it. I'm still not sure if I can do it as a career though. I'm kinda thinking of a career involving sports medicine... but I don't know, I'm sure that idea will pass as well.

Maybe it's like I'm used to being lonely. Maybe I don't know how to be happy.
I think I psyche myself out, like I'm subconsciously preventing myself from being happy.
I've got a family who cares about me, a job, a car, a bed, a roof over my head, a boy who loves me... and I'm complaining?

Basically, this blog really sucked and I hate it so much I wasn't even going to post it. But maybe one day I'll want to look back on it...

By the way, All For Love by Serena Ryder is stuck in my head right now. It's good, listen to it.

2 comments:

Audrey. said...

that really sucks that you think that you don't have any good friends. likek what the fuck am i around for, then? oh well, i guess.

i'm glad you're happy with troy. instead of being so worried, you should just be happy in the moment. things could change, but it's all god's plan. so enjoy what you have while you have it.

Briiii_theMoonWillow said...

hey girl it sucks to feel like that. we all do sometimes (understatement) so you're not alone. about the image thing... idk how to tell you to just love yourself. how can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself? if there is something about you that you don't like, like your shape or your breakouts then you fix that for YOU not for anyone else. I don't think your boyfriend is seeing any problem or else he wouldn't be with you right now and that's a good guy, those like him are few and far between. And anybody else...shoot girl they don't matter. Don't worry about college, just put your all into and try your best at literally everything. you can do it if you think you can, believe you can, and at last KNOW you can. Confidence boo! You can bring your dreams into waking life if you want to. Thinking negatively is only going to breed negative things to happen. Have some faith in yourself and things around you. Your blog didn't suck. It's good to get feelings out like this, you can't hold it all in...and maybe somebody will come along and try to help you out to the best they can, and maybe more people will come a long and try to help you out the best they can. I don't remember who said this but "the best thing i can do for my friend is just to be his friend." there's a quote for ya...here's another "you don't have to preach and you don't have to quote a million scriptures. just a few kind words can start the healing process" - joel osteen =] I hope i could help you a little bit...if you ever wanna talk...not even your personal situations, just to talk you can hit me up any time...my email and screen name's on my profile.. wish you the best and all the love peace and happiness in the world!